As I wait for the Apocalypse...

RELOCATED!

2010-09-26T05:02:00.000-04:00

FIND ME AT: www.nateledoux.com

It's legit.

Fantasy Football 2010: Draft Breakdown

2010-09-01T22:00:00.000-04:00

Like Mr. Hank Williams Junior asks every Monday night, are you ready for some football? That's right America, it's the unofficial fifth season of the year, Football, and with that comes the cut throat bastard child of Football, FANTASY FOOTBALL!

There's just something totally Level 3 Sex Offender about this man...

Every year people put down crazy money with their idiotic friends and get to pretend they're some kind of coaching genius. I'm one of those people. As a side note, the last time I was in a fantasy football league was back in my Junior year of High School. I'm now at the beginning of my Junior year of College. So really I'm a little bit rusty. Who cares though? This year I came out of my slump and decided to join not just one league, but fuckin' three. I thought, why embarrass myself once a week when I can do it three times?

Ya see, my knowledge of the NFL goes about as deep as the toy in a box of Cracker Jacks. I understand the sport, I played for 12 years, or somewhere around there. I just don't know anything about the players. Who is going to dominate the league this year? Which team is playing which, and at what time of the year, and is it an outdoor or indoor game? What's the average third down conversion rate of each teams back up QB? That doesn't seem like a general stat to worry about, but when you're playing against the knowledgable freaks of NFL statistics that I'm playing against, you really should do a little studying.

Should. I could read some Yahoo sports, maybe watch the NFL Network, or dabble in the deep stack of ESPN magazine sitting on my kitchen table, and maybe I do from time to time, but it's really not enough. So with my extensive knowledge I devised a perfect player picking system:

Pick the player in the desirable position that accumulated the most points last year. If he's injured, just pick who's next.

That's it. Pretty simple, and nearly flawless. Well flawless if I were playing a year ago. I understand it's a pretty shitty philosophy. Guys change teams, some leave, and who knows what freak coaching decisions will affect what. But for me, it's the best god damn thing I can do when jumping back into this shit. So what I'm gonna do is break down my three teams. I'll give you a detailed account of why I chose each guy and then I'll guess my record for the season.

That's right, the South Hampton Indigenous Tide. Take a second to look it over. Yup, it's SHIT. I'm so damn clever. This league is with my Dad and some of his work buddies. I'm going over SHIT first because the draft here was done automatically for us. After that we could trade, but I wouldn't trade, because I know I'd probably be getting screwed over. The sad fact of this automatic draft is that this is probably my best team out of the three, and a fucking randomly configured piece of technology did it for me. Oh well. Here's the team.

QB: Aaron Rodgers. Oh for fucks sake, I just realized I've only got one, but he's projected to be the best this upcoming season. So for now I wont fret.
RB: C.J. Spiller, Michael Bush, Donald Brown, Willis McGahee, Jason Snelling, and Sammy Morris. Alright not bad, I've knew that half of these guys actually existed. I do like Donald Brown though, cause ya know... he's on the Colts and Addai is suffering from minor brain damage right now.
WR: Chad Ochocinco, Wes Welker, Larry Fitzgerald, Nate Burleson, and Malcolm Floyd. Right away I know those first three guys are disgusting, and that's good enough for me. Hell, I'll probably keep them in even on their bye weeks.
TE: Dallas Clark and Fred Davis. Sorry Davis, but D. Clark is my boy. Best TE in the game.
Defense: Pittsburgh... they're good right? I mean they use to be the Steel Curtain in the 70's. That tough attitude usually sticks around for 30 or 40 years.
Kicker: Jay Feely. Every time I read his name I think of Mr. Feeny, so I'm cool with him being on the team.

So I think I've actually got a chance with this team. I'm pretty stacked in every category except running backs. Even then I'm sure I'll be just fine. I've got to remember to get a back up QB when Rodgers bye week comes around. Other than that I'm projecting a successful season with an outcome of 12-4. Hopefully I crush my Father in the games I face him, for no other reason then to rub it in his face. I love you Dad.

I tried coming up with a creative name on this one, but my imagination went straight to the delicious sandwich I was eating at the time of this teams creation. I even got the SBWY in there. I should seriously contact Subway for some type of advertising money, but I'll let them off the hook this time. If I win every game though, I'm going to be on their ass like white on rice on a paper plate in the middle of a snow storm. How such a series of events came to be, I wouldn't know. Maybe a nice old homeless man went to a rescue shelter and they happened to be serving white rice that night. Upset that his last homeless girlfriend was dating another homeless guy in the same shelter, he decided to go eat that rice outdoors where a horrible snow storm was raging. He got sick thinking about the ex and couldn't eat, and thus the plate was placed in the snow. BOOM!

Pictured: White on rice on a paper plate in a snow storm.

Back on track, this series is with some of my close friends. I know a good amount of them are NFL geniuses, so I figured I was screwed ahead of time. At least with this draft I got to make my own picks. That could actually be seen as not being a good thing, but here's the team I got.

QB: Peyton Manning and Ben Rothlisberger. First off, Manning is the best QB in the NFL. Second off, I know Big Ben is out for meandering into little girls pants that he shouldn't have meandered into, but I think once he's back week six, he'll be a good fill in for Manning when he's got week 7 off. CHECK OUT THAT GOD DAMN LOGIC. Kids a drafting genius.
RB: Ray Rice, Knowshon Moreno, Ricky Williams, Reggie Bush, Steve Slaton, and Tim Hightower. I wont lie, I think that's a pretty spectacular line up right there. Ray Rice is just a beast. Knowshon... no idea. Williams and Bush... well when they have a good game, they have a damn good game. Slaton and Hightower, well I think I watched them play a couple times last season, and as I recall they were good, I think.
WR: Calvin Johnson, Donald Driver, Bernard Berrian, and Josh Cribbs. If you were to say those four names to me just out of the blue, I wouldn't know what the hell you were talking about. Maybe I could remember Calvin Johnson from playing Madden. Although my trusty sidekick Colin said they were good picks, but who can ever trust him?
TE: Jason Witten and Heath Miller. I remember seeing something on Witten having a fuck ton of receptions last year, so I chose him. D. Clark went the round before I could get him. I was furious.
Defense: I went out on a limb and took the Bengals. ESPN told me they had a solid year prior so I went with it. Plus they have that crazy Hawaiian guy from USC with the crazy hair. I saw him on Hard Knocks on HBO last year.
Kicker: David Akers. Most points last year and his name sounds familiar. Good enough for me.

Seeing as I've got an all around solid team I've got confidence in this team. There are only ten teams and I am up against some pretty smart football guys though and that could seriously bite me in the ass. I'm gonna be more lenient on this one and say I'm expecting a 10-6 season. I've got Manning and Rice, and if they go hard every game I think I'll be alright.

Woah woah woah! That name is just uncalled for. Cedar Pond Cunt Punchers! I'm ashamed. Seriously though, it flows like a golden river. I basically live on Cedar Pond, and I wanted another CP for the team abbreviation. Car Pilers would apply if you were a fan of the Blues Brothers. Maybe Cat Pukers... like I puke cats? Crazy Penguins, they're out there. Catatonic Pilgrims, that's just retarded, and that's just offensive. Cunt Punchers just roles off the tongue. For the love of god I need to just get past the name and get to the damn roster.

Note that this league was the first draft I actually partook in. It also cost me 50 big ones to join (I really need to pay that). I also think I'm pretty screwed, but if I win two games I'll make my money back. Here they are, your future Cedar Pond Cunt Punchers. You love the name, shut up.

QB: Peyton Manning and Matt Leinart. Manning is obvious, and I think Leinart is going to start because good ol' Warner retired, but what the hell do I know?
RB: Ryan Grant, Steve Slaton, Chester Taylor, and Tashard Choice. Ryan Grant was looking pretty good with all his points from last year. The back ups were all based on points as well. Even though some of their names really caught my eye. Tashard, who comes up with that?
WR: Michael Crabtree, T.J. Houshmandzadeh (had to look back at that four times to spell it right), Mohamed Massaquoi (three times), Early Doucet, and Josh Cribbs. I've got enough, but I don't know if I've got big time players. I'm fairly confident in Crabtree though. Houshmablahblah should be reliable too.
TE: Antonio Gates and Fred Davis. Antonio Gates is a beast and how did Fred Davis get onto my team again. Sneaky.
Defense: Cowboys and Falcons. The Cowboys are a rough bunch, so I'm sure they'll keep me in the race each week. Choosing the Falcons, or simply a second defense was probably a rookie mistake. I could have taken another running back.
Kicker: David Akers. Him again too! I'm just consistent with my quarterbacks, kickers, and back up tight ends.

So looking through I'm confident in about half the team. That isn't too good for my fifty dollars returning to my pockets, but I only need to win two out of 16 games. So Manning, Grant, Gates, and Crabtree have to fuck shit up out there. Akers should kick like four or five field goals a game as well. Looking at my competition on this one, also a solid bunch of football enthusiasts (20 teams in total), and I'm gonna go with a more realistic 8-8 season with two incredibly high scoring games.

So there ya have it. The unbeatable (30-18) triple threat that is Nate Ledoux's fantasy football teams. So watch out fantasy football world. I'm starting with three teams this year, but next year maybe I'll have four or five, the year after that maybe ten or twenty three. Who will control me? I'll be unstoppable. I'll take over the fantasy world. I'll move on to baseball, basketball, cricket, or even Nascar. Next thing I know I'm the fantasy sports correspondent for ESPN and Sports Illustrated. People from all over are coming to me, begging for my answers and incredible strategies. But I wont tell them, I'll just spin at their feet from atop my tiger-bear cross breed that was made solely for me, and ask for their money. Life will be good.

Tiger-Bear, that is better than I imagined.

SECOND ANGLE! WHAAAT!?! Awesome.

I'll update once in a while to let the ya'll know how things are going.

My Brief Skateboarding Stint...

2010-08-16T05:33:00.012-04:00

I go through phases like it's nobodies business. It isn't. But I make it your business by posting it on the internet. That being said, I went through a phase recently... I actually might still be in the phase, but that phase was a skateboarding phase.

I had never ridden on a skateboard before June of this year. I bought a skateboard once from Wal-Mart, but that was so I could rip off the trucks and use it as a pore excuse for a sled in the winter (it actually worked really well, if you were looking to crash like an idiot every time you went down the hill). Other than that my skills when it came to the sport were zero to none. I could rack up a high score in any of the Tony Hawk games, but I couldn't keep my balance if it meant saving my life.

So getting to the point, one day a good friend of mine, Keith, decided that he wanted to dabble in skating. He'd actually debated it a while back, but this time he meant business. So being bored and what not I said "Eh what the hell" and decided to tag along. I searched the internet for a few days in an effort to find a board of my liking. I wound up digging an Element board, so I assembled it online and bought it. I spent just about 105 bucks, but I felt it was worth getting a decent board to start out.

To add to its bad-assery, it glows in the dark.

Four or five business days later, and I was in business. I had my brand spanking new board, two pairs of skate shoes to choose from, and a black top to bail on all day long.

I chose my snazzy broken in Nike SB's to devirginize my boarding experiences. I stepped on the board, I might have cracked my neck to make things more dramatic, and I attempted probably one of the saddest ollies known to man, and Snap! I broke one of the bushings. I stood there for a minute letting the blood boil inside me. I was filled with a rage like no other. I'd literally attempted one trick, be it a horrible one, and my $105 investment had broken. I thought maybe it was a sign from the heavens that I should run away before I killed myself.

Then the heavens seemed to change their mind. One of my friends just happen to stop by and he saw that I had an issue. Fortunately he had an old board that he no longer used, and he was a sweetheart enough to give me his old trucks. I dismantled everything and fifteen minutes later I was fully capable of killing myself once again.

Like anybody learning a new hobby I took things one step at a time, got sick of that and then tried doing stupid shit faster and faster. First off was just riding on the damn board and finding my balance. That part wasn't too tough. I could push off and cruise decently, so I thought the next step would be to ollie. So I spent hour after hour trying to get that down. I don't want to brag, but I got the hang of it pretty quickly. I wasn't pro or anything, but I could get a good amount of air.

From there I tried to simply ride and ollie while moving. This was a lot more difficult. I laid down hockey sticks and tried getting over them. This was something I never totally mastered. I got it once in a while, but most of the time it was pretty fugly. My back leg had a tendency to not want to land on the board after take off. It resulted in occasional groin tearing.

Now being the young impatient man I am, I decided it was time to start my vert training. A couple of friends and I drove to an abandoned skate park in the town next to ours and I attempted to drop in. For the next hour or so I bruised and battered my body until I could no longer take it. I never successfully dropped in. On the other hand I did successfully tear open both my palms, bruise the entire left side of my body, and scratch up my legs (all of this filmed on my buddies phone). The sad excuse for a skate park had kicked my ass. I walked away a defeated man.

I woke up the next day a sore mess, but I continued training. I went out day after day, sweating like a dog. I could see my skills improving ever so slightly. One night I decided to partake in some theft. I was going to get sweet revenge on that park. Two buddies and I jumped in my truck and drove to the park. We put on some work gloves and grabbed a good size ramp and loaded it in the truck. The way I put it makes it sound much easier than it was. We had to basically balance the ramp over a broken door. It was kind of like a seesaw with a two hundred pound death box teetering back and forth. In the end, nobody was hurt, and we made it home without being pulled over.

That night we skated like crazy. We were doing these small drop ins all night. Then we tried combining that with ollies and hockey sticks. It was an all night affair. I went to bed in a puddle of my own sweat (now that I think of it I don't think I've watched my sheets).

That was probably the highlight of my skateboarding career. I dabbled from thereon out, but I was never as dedicated. I started working my second summer job and time became tight. I found that there were other things more important to do each day than becoming a professional skater. My friend has stuck with it more than I have. I tried getting a kick flip down, and I was just about almost landed it on a couple of occasions. Other than that though I couldn't fully commit. My board continues to sit next to my bed, lonely and waiting for somebody to use it one day. I'll pick it up here and there, but I don't think it'll ever be the same. Who knows though. Maybe I'll go through another phase. I have to admit it's a fun thing to do, and I love the feeling of just cruising on the board.

Through the experience I did gain a whole lot more respect for people who partake in the sport. It's a physically draining thing to do. You don't realize it at first, but when you're done for the day you can feel the strain you've put on your body with all the cuts and bruises and puddles of sweat.

At least now I can check skateboarding off my bucket list, I got a sweet $105 glow in the dark board out of the experience, my wrists still hurt from catching myself, and I scared the crap out of my poor Mem basically every time I got on the thing. Totally worth it.

Return to the Ol' Salon...

2010-08-16T02:17:00.002-04:00

There are some people I'd like to thank for getting me back into the blogging mood, but I wont. They know who they are. However there is one special lady I'd like to make a shout out to for taking care of my wonderful self for the last eight or so months. That lady is a Miss Laurie DeMartino. Actually I'd like to make a shout out to her and the entire staff of Bella Mia Salon & Spa.

Ya see, they've been continuing to pamper me for a special discount (free) price, and they've been asking me to make another post for them. And now with my return I think the least I could do is write a blog about them as I've been promising. I know I covered the basics in my last post, but I have to praise that place some more.

I am no perfect human being. If you looked at me from a few hundred feet away, you might think I am, but I am not. As I got closer you'd notice that I have faults. One of those faults being my knack for acne breakouts. It happens. I wake up with an average of two white heads every morning. It's disgusting. Judge all you like. But it's something that needs taking care of. So what better way to take care of that than a biweekly one hour facial.

It actually might knock me down a few pegs on the manliness scale, but it's something I'm willing to sacrifice. Every other week I drive to the salon with my shoulders taunt and my head held high, and I get my face all pampered and shiny by Joanne Legacy (note: most bad ass last name ever).

Let me tell you of the experiences, but I won't give away all the fun secrets of the facial experience.

First you must undress. Yeah, you're about to get your face taken care of, but you want to be comfy. So why not strip down to your undies and crawl onto this cloudy soft bed?

Then the fun begins. You get all the creams, treatments, and massages to make face feel brand new. That's to be expected of course. There are some tricks thrown in though that you wouldn't expect. You're put through the sometimes painful act of them squeezing out all the dirt and grime. It's a small price to pay for beauty. They don't mess around either. Ms Legacy digs deep. I try not to cringe, but it happens occasionally. After that though it's smooth sailing. She does all these funky movements to massage your face and rub in the facial creams. It's ridiculous. I really look forward to nothing more than the magical fingers and the way they make my face feel. There's also this zapper-ma-bob thing that I don't know exactly what it's doing, but I'm told it's good, so I don't ask.

Sadly all good things must come to an end, and when you're done, you don't want to get up. You've become one with the bed. Honestly I could go into a small coma, but I have things to do. I willingly except my fate, and go downstairs to join the lovely employees and say my goodbyes.

I weep on the inside, but my face feels so good it can't cry.

Okay, I'm Serious this Time...

2010-07-31T01:20:00.002-04:00

Hey ya'll, I'm back, again for sure this time. I went on another break after my other one post return and TONS happened in my life. I can't wait to discuss all the awesome adventures I've embarked on in the last five months. I could make a list here for you, but I wont get hopes up, but seriously, I'm gonna be updating this blog like a mother fucker.

How do you know I'm not lying? Well check out the spiffy new banner I've got up there (2.0 with no horn). It's much prettier. I wanted to do something that would motivate me towards writing here, and nothing gets me motivated like a bright, brand spanking new banner.

Seriously though, I sit here in my comfy bed (as I usually do when writing on this page), and I want to promise you that if I don't write on here for another three months than all (three) of you dedicated fans can punch me square in the nose.

Well this was just a quick return from my second retirement (catching up Brett), and I wanted to get you all excited.

SHITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN!

For memories sake, lets remember our dear old banner one last time...

*tear*

It's been too long...

2010-02-26T00:49:00.000-05:00

Well how about that folks... time really has passed since I've left you anything. I know my two loyal readers out there must be parched. I do apologize for my time off. I didn't leave any formal warnings of this. I just kind of stopped, and that's not right. Well I'm done apologizing, and I think it's time for me to start cracking out some articles. Now still, this doesn't mean these things are gonna be out day after day. You got to understand that I'm a busy man now. Remember those three months that have passed since my last post? Well yeah, I'm in the middle of my semester at a new school, I've got a job, and I'm trying to keep busy. The latter being unsuccessful, but still! I'm kind of busy, but I promise I've got ideas in my head just ready to be spilled out. Other than the random things I write, there have been some pretty big events in the past three months that are article worthy... to me.

- Avatar, the biggest fuckin movie ever (Unadjusted).

- The Olympics, still going on and some pretty exciting shit has happened.

- The Super Bowl, oh... that's still a little tender.

- Conan O'Brien, you all know the deal.

- Lost, it's my favorite show over, and an article from me about it is long overdue.

Ah... so that's five... should do for now. I imagine there is plenty more to talk about, but for the time being, I'll let you dream of what's to come. Yum. It's almost one AM, and I've got a date with IHOP tonight.

Add Zombies, Viola!...

2009-11-08T03:28:00.016-05:00

In the spirit of Halloween I'd like to write-

Oh Halloween was a week ago? October 31st you say? Well alright smart guy, go read someone else's blog. We're done being friends.

I recently came away from a showing of the movie Zombieland. By recently I mean a few weeks ago. Then I downloaded it online, so I can watch it whenever I want, so I guess I've recently watched it on my computer. My thought process was that since I paid to see it twice in theaters, I had legal rights to download it online... that should make sense.

In short, Zombieland was absolutely fantastic. I kind of loved it a lot. It's among the best when it comes to Zombie movies, which are in high abundance these days. Over the past few years we've seen films with zombie lambs, nazi zombies, chicken zombies, zombies on planes, zombies on a train, zombies filmed on a hand held cam, and zombies with green eggs and ham.

Zombies are all the fuckin rage right now. You can argue and say Vampires and Werewolves are, but I'll probably slap you in the face (you're stupid Twilight face that is). Alright it's a tight race between Vampires and Zombies, but Zombies win in my mind. I've also got a post coming about Vampires, so keep your eyes peeled ladies.

Now back to Zombies! They may not be taking over our world yet, but they're dominating other facets of media. What facets you ask?

Movies? Check. I already went over this a bit, but Zombies in movies is a guaranteed good time. We all know it started with Romero's Night of the Living Dead back in '68. After that things split to the Dead series and the Living Dead series, Romero's being the prior. After that, all hell broke loose. People took zombies to levels of ridiculosity never seen before. Everyone tried pushing limits of how people could get eaten alive, how many parts could get ripped off before the person finally passed out from pain (usually three limbs or the innards of you stomach getting ripped out would do), what types of places you could get stuck in during the zombie outbreak, or how many fucking people it took to be turned into zombies before people came to terms with the fact that something just wasn't right (shout out to Quarantined, where people never learned this lesson).

But like I said, no matter how shitty the script, the actors, the directing, if zombies are involved there is a good chance you can make it through the movie. I stand by this after watching the movie Dead Heist. For those to lazy to click the link I'll copy and paste the films synopsis.

"Four friends plan the perfect small town bank heist, but choose the wrong night. Their plans go horribly wrong when vampiric zombies attack the town and trap them in the bank. Can they escape with the money and their lives?"

Yeah, a studio green lit that film. For fucks sake man. Here Hollywood, I've got one for you.

"When seven friends come together after one of their close friends has died, they decide to build a tree house in his backyard with his wife and her three friends who are all strippers. Little do they know, vampiric zombie werewolf dragons from another dimension are attacking there town. Trapped in the the tree house with a slingshot, two hammers, and a laptop, can 11 pals band together and figure out just how the fuck any of this makes sense? Or will they die trying?"

I'll need 23 million and winter coat Paramount, lets make this shit.

"Stupid title, shitty plot, rappers who can't act there way out of a paper bag? Are you fucking Kidding me Johnson?"
"But sir, zombies"
"Shit you're right Johnson, we've got a hit on our hands."

Videogames? Check. Lets look at a little gem called Left 4 Dead. It's probably one of the best multiplayer games I've ever played. Not shocking seeing as it's made by Valve, whose list of games doesn't have a bad title on it. Add to the fact that Left 4 Dead 2 is Valves most preordered game of all time and it doesn't seem like people will tire of shooting the undead in the face anytime soon. And what about Call of Duty 5. What does that have to do with Zombies? Um, the Zombie mode dip shits. It's what made people kinda stop playing Modern Warfare. Other games with Zombies? Resident Evil, Dead Rising (can't wait for the sequel), Half Life, Wolfenstein, Prototype, and even friggin Halo with those darned Flood (I hate those bastards). Know what's funny? None of those are bad games. In fact they're all pretty damn good.

Need more evidence, then look straight to Plants vs. Zombies. A tower defense games like every other, but it's got zombies. Fastest selling game by the company (PopCap) that makes it? You bet your sweet ass it is.

"Okay yeah that actually looks really fun..."

Literature? Check. Prime example, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. The man who thought of this, Seth Grahame-Smith, should be given some awards, preferably in the form of 72 virgins. This book is genius. Have I read it? Nope, but other people have and they like it a lot. I do plan on reading it. I'm a bit backed up on my books right now. I blame school. Seriously though, it's such a flawless plan. You take one of the most respected works of literature and add zombies to the narrative. There isn't a flaw in that.

That's not the only example though. There are other books like The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z, bother written by the same author, and the latter being made into a movie right now. I've read the survival guide, and it's hilarious and spot on about everything zombies . It'll also help me be one of the few survivors once the zombie apocalypse does take place.

Let us discuss Marvel Zombies for a second or two. Marvel is the biggest comic book company in the world right now (didn't check any sources on that one). They've got multiple universes running with the Zombie universe being one of them. I don't think I need to tell you that it was loved by critics (named one of the top 10 graphic novels of 2007) and fans alike, but I guess I will. After the first series massive success Marvel rolled out five more, because they also realized how fucking amazing what the created was, or they just like rolling in piles of cash, it's a toss up.

Oh and then you've got a recent book I discovered titled Death Troopers (buy it here, thank me later). Can't figure out which incredibly popular Science Fiction universe that's from. How about mother fucking Star Wars! That's right. Star Wars now has it's own bit of zombie action in it. I really don't need to say anything else to prove that zombies are basically the shit these days, but I'm on fucking fire right now.

"Is that Wolverine... as a god damn zombie, about to fight a zombie Hulk? I need to clean up the mess I just made."

Television? Oh... balls. I was on fire. Zombies have been included in some television shows, but a show about zombies... not so much. I mean, they've been in such shows as The X-Files, Buffy, Angel, Doctor Who, Andromeda, The Simpsons, and The Angry Beavers. You know you've made it when you're on The Angry Beavers. And that's a list of solid shows. All of which deal with out of this world things, so why not include zombies right?

Of course you're not going to see zombies on The O.C. or Friends, even though either would totally kick ass and make each show that much more watchable. Actually it might have even helped The O.C. survive a little bit longer. Maybe bring Marissa and make the show good again. I guess it's too late now. I'll still pitch it to Fox, because in the end... it would have zombies in it.

Now a quick shout out to Zombieland again. That movie was originally supposed to be a TV show. Who in their right mind did not pick this show up? Oh every god damn stupid ass television network... EVER! They all turned it down. If you haven't heard, they wrote enough scripts for 23 episodes. The first two episodes being the fan-fucking-tastic movie that just came out... to rave reviews none the less. Now instead of having to wait one week to get a fix for more Zombieland goodness, I have to wait two years or so. But with the scripts written... maybe less time? Wink wink nudge nudge.

Other types of media... what news, radio, websites, magazines? I mean, those deal with real world things so I guess they don't necessarily include zombies that much... unless you count this faux news story from BBC a few years back. Since then BBC has made a few other news stories about zombies. Google them, I think we share the same appreciation for the living dead. As for magazines, well low and behold, we've got Revenant Magazine... the premiere zombie magazine. They've got some tough fucking competition out there. Then Zombie Radio, well that's a band. Kudos on the name guys, you're bands kinda shitty. The closest thing would be certain podcasts, like the Zomcast, which I will now most likely listen too... at least once.

Now that I've proved my point to you, I can finally say what I've wanted to say this whole time. If you've got an idea. Any idea ranging from miniscule to epic... if you add zombies, that shit will then be epic or epic-er. I've given you a list of 37 thousand examples already, so I won't be a dead horse. Actually you should beat it, because it could be a bastard zombie horse!

Seabiscuit 2 (Zombiscuit) anyone? Emailing Universal now.

Seriously though. Maybe instead of Hollywood just remaking old movies they should remake them and add some zombies!

Alfie, 49 on Rotten Tomatoes. Alfie's Apocalypse, 89 on Rotten Tomatoes.

King Kong, three oscars. King Kong on Zombie Island, five oscars and a handshake from George Romero.

Casablanca, debated as the best movie ever. Casabraaaaiiiiiinssss, number seven on IMDB's top 250 films, right behind Schindler's List.

I know, those might be weak ideas. I could've put more thought into it... but I didn't. All I am saying is just add zombies to more things man. Take zombies out of there horror comfort zone. Possibly the greatest zombie movie, Shaun of the Dead (haven't seen it, stop reading this, and watch it now), was more comedy and character driven then mayhem and gore. It found a perfect balance of various film genres. Zombieland was a very similar case, with the balancing. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies as well.

Zombies, if handled correctly are the best thing for anything. And if they're not handled correctly, well you're still going to be entertained one way or another.

God dammit how cool would a zombie apocalypse be? Zombies would do wonders for your particular mood on any given day. Feeling down because your friends just got eaten alive? Spread some brain juices by killing zombies. Feeling skippy because you just boned Jessica Biel because you're the only male left on Earth (Brad Pitt if female)? Spread some brain juices by killing zombies. Feeling suicidal because you're a douche? Get bit by a zombie and revel in your last day before you become a drooling human eating machine. Have some time to kill because there isn't much to do in the zombie apocalypse? Read a book... or spread some brain juices by killing zombies.

Unfortunately (debatable) the zombie apocalypse doesn't seem to be coming anytime soon. Until then don't just wait for it though. Get ready kids. Prepare for the inevitable. Zombies are coming, and when they do, you'll want to be ready. Buy the books, watch the movies, play the video games! Or be eaten alive...

Later folks.

3 Way of Awesome!!!

2009-10-31T00:39:00.004-04:00

Hey folks I've got some more self advertising to throw your way, kinda. I wont keep this up, I promise, but right now I just want to get the word out there. After this I'm going to start updating these things on the sidebar with different links.

So to get more to the point, I took part in my first Podcast last night. The podcast was "3 Way of Awesome". It's an informative comedy type podcast that covers the likes of news, sports, video games, and entertainment. So basically it covers all the important things you need to know about in life. They're new to the game of podcasting, in the sense that they've done 15 podcasts so far. Not being biased, I'd say it's a great podcast (I listen to a good amount of podcast on my commute to school).

The main guy Matt Runge (main guy because he does all the technical shenanigans) and I met like four years ago over Xbox Live (on Halo 2, hoorah!). We formed a good friendship and fortunately he turned out not to be a 67 year old naked man praying on the likes of little boys. I've got substantial evidence to back this up. Either that or this is one patient and clever sick son of a bitch. He's not. Moving on I also got to know a plethora of other Nebraskan's (did I forget to mention he's from Nebraska, cause he totally is). Quick shout out to the other two who are part of the podcast, Stephan and Leeper.

We've kept in contact, and when I found out he had a podcast I definitely wanted to be a part of it. So just the other day I was a guest on the show via Skype. Everything worked out splendidly and it was a pleasure to be on the show. Hopefully they'll welcome me back in the near future. Being the good pal Matt is, he let me advertise my blog on his podcast, so I had to return the favor. So below are all the links you need to know about to enjoy yourself some tasty 3 Way of Awesome!

PODOMATIC LINK: Easy way to listen to the podcast if you don't have Itunes. Simply click the little green play button in the bottom left hand corner and you're good to go!

BLOGSPOT LINK: Keep up to date and follow the podcast. See when the newest podcasts are released and brief synopsis about that weeks episode.

FACEBOOK LINK: Don't have a blogspot? I know for damn sure you've got a Facebook. So join their group, bitches.

ITUNES LINK: Oh how fortunate for you! Click this link and BAM SHWAZAM! You're Itunes store will open up with the 3 Way of Awesome podcast. From there you can subscribe to the podcast, rate the thing (5 stars please), and even write a nice little review if you like. Or you can just listen to the podcast. It's your call.

So go have a good listen folks. It's good for the soul.

Later.

TRIPLE ROCK PRODUCTIONS!

2009-10-27T15:37:00.004-04:00

Ah self advertisement. Wonderful isn't it? Well that's what I'm here to do today people!

So I'll start off by telling you to scroll down and look all the way at the bottom of all those things on the right. There are the sweet stickies, my dismal group of followers, and then oh snap! You've got some advertisements! Just look at all those hot sites to go to. I bet there are some sweet deals on those sites. Click one and see where it takes you. The internet is practically limitless. To be honest it's all about the money. You click those links and I'll make money, probably a minimal amount but it's money so click now... please.

Don't want to? I'll find where you live. That's totally a threat.

Now that you've helped me get through college, I'd like to move on to my next order of business. More specifically, TRIPLE ROCK PRODUCTIONS BUSINESS!

What the flying fuck nuggets is Triple Rock Productions? Well it's pretty easy to guess. It's my production studio thing. If you can qualify a slow computer with Sony Vegas on it as a studio. It works for me though, but I'm still trying to get Final Cut Pro on my laptop. Only have to save up another two thousand bucks and give up my left leg.

But Triple Rock started a couple years ago when I was a senior in high school. If you can't tell I've got a mind that's all over the place. I write in this blog, but I've also got a list of fucking movies and films I want to make some day. Some are written down and some are stored in the depths of my tiny brain. Figures that it takes a lot of organization and time to get those types of things made, and those are things me and my friends can't seem to get on the same schedule about to accomplish shit.

But it's okay. One day things will get made at a quicker pace, and the world will be a happier place. Until then I can provide those of you who read this some of the old stuff Triple Rock has accomplished. They're not all the greatest, and a few were actually before Triple Rock was established, but they'll keep you entertained. Actually the Rock Paper Scissors one is where we got the name from. Try and find it in there! Yeah a game, fun!

A quick note on our biggest hit, "You Say He's Just a Friend". It got most views probably because it's super awesome and because of that drunk driving commercial that featured the song that happened to come out like a month after we released ours. Our video was better so people just started flocking to ours. 14 thousand views is a lot when you're next biggest video has just under a thousand.

So tell your friends please. Not just about Triple Rock, but about this blog too. Spread the word children. Be obnoxious about it too. I don't care. Vandalize State buildings and public play grounds with my name.

AND CLICK THE GOD DAMN ADVERTISEMENTS ON THE SIDE!

I'll leave our biggest hit here on the blog. So without further ado... You Say He's Just a Friend:

Oh Sweet B.a.B's...

2009-10-25T04:00:00.004-04:00

Hello cute lady working at Bath and Body works. I'm sorry I didn't catch your name, but I'd like to profess my premature love for you. Would you say I'm moving too fast? Alright...

Let me start over.

Hello lady working at Bath and Body works. I'm Nate. I'm 19, I'm currently in my sophomore year in college, majoring in Marketing and Communications, and I think I'm in love wi-

Shit, alright... I think I can get it this time.

Well hello there lady working at Bath and Body works. I'm Nate. I wont go over those basic things that I'm pretending I didn't say, but you already know, so fuck it. Pardon my french, I shouldn't swear. It's probably not a good way to start out my third attempt at introducing myself. But yeah anyway like I said, I'm Nate. I didn't catch your name earlier today, so I'll just call you you Babs.

Yeah Babs. Like Bath and Body Works, with out the Works. Like I took the first letter in-

Duh, I know. You get it. Hey I was just-

No okay yeah, you go assist that guy looking for pomegranate scented hand sanitizer. Yeah I'm here to look for a proper pillow mist.

Oh fuck yeah, I love pillow mist. That shit makes falling asleep ten times better. Seriously though, we'll talk pillow mist later, you go assist that guy before he hurts himself or the three elderly woman in the store...

Hey oh yeah I've narrowed my pillow mist choices down to three. I've got Jasmine Vanilla, Lemongrass Cardamom, and Warm Milk and Honey. Now be honest with me, do you use any of these body mist things? I used it once, and really I thought it was magical.

Haha oh yeah? You know, I wasn't really a fan of the Black Currant Vanilla. You see, I'm more of a softer vanilla guy. I think it's the black currant that just stings my nostrils to much. It hurts a little. I think that would do a better job of waking me up than putting me to bed-

You know what, have you ever seen that movie with Mark Wahlberg?

Really vague I know, but not The Happening, that one was kind of a stinker.

Yeah I know, M Night Shyamalan really has gone down hill since The Sixth Sense, but I thought Lady in the Water was actually pretty good.

What you didn't like it? I bet you didn't even see it.

Oh come on it wasn't that bad! You're being too harsh.

You know what, I don't see us agreeing on this one. I'm guessing you've got a really bad taste in movies. But you know that movie, the one with Mark Wahlberg, where he's a sniper. Crap what was that one?

SHOOTER! Bingo! Yeah you know his girlfriend in that?

Yeah well you look exactly like her. I don't even know her name. I think she's been in a total of like four movies. But you do, you look just like her.

If I were a betting man I'd say her name was Kate something, I have no idea, actually that reminds me... I made a bet with my friend the other day that I wouldn't come in here and ask for your number. It was actually a ten dollar bet, but being the college student that I am, ten dollars can seriously alter my upcoming week. That's a possible chicken bacon ranch on honey oat at Subway, or maybe seven to ten Arnold Palmers depending on where I stop.

Yeah you like the Arnold Palmers too? I friggin' love those things. And they're semi healthy for you.

Actually I've got no idea if that's true. But, wait, don't change the subject. You can be honest. You're number. I mean I've already got the ten dollars in the bank, so you can deny me, or we can try and make this whole thing work out. Maybe it's meant to be-

You're right, probably not.

Alright well yeah that's cool. You know what I just realized that you're probably a little to old for me anyway. What, you must be like 25?

Oh only 22, well shit, yeah... still too old. I've got a strict two years older rule, and you missed out by one year. I tried dating this girl who was 14 when I was 11. It got really ugly this one time when she asked me if I'd give her the good ol'-

Really it's a shame that I didn't because I'd probably have-

No! I am not making excuses! How dare you accuse me of such a thing! I think you're the one making excuses!

You are a very hurtful person! You know I've been in a big rut lately alright. This girl, I fell in love with her and she dumped me like a sack of bricks, so I came in here yesterday and saw you, and I thought you were cute, and when I was playing with the pillow mists and you talked to me, I felt a spark and... is it weird that I'm spilling my heart out?

Shit yeah true, but I mean what the hell right? I've got nothing to lose right now. Did I tell you about the time I saw a deer get hit by a tractor trailer truck once? Oh what am I thinking? That was dumb, you stupid dingle berry. Why am I thinking out loud? These last few moments haven't increased my chances of getting your number has it?

Dammit... please?

We don't need to talk a whole lot. Maybe we could just become good friends... like that Ashton Kutcher movie with Cameron Diaz.

Yeah they do fall in love in the end.

I know, I heard you the first time. But who are you to question destiny, huh?

Okay you're right. I'll just end this situation casually. I come in here a lot, and I don't want there to be any tension the next time I get pillow mist...

Word from the wise, don't get all flirty with your customers next time. It may lead to wrong impressions. Like yesterday I swear you were all about me. Even my cousin thought he saw you wink...

My cousins not a liar.

Do you know if they're hiring here right now?

I'm not Bath and Body Works material? You kidding me? I know more about pillow mist and body washes than you... I'm sorry. That was rude. Alright I'm just going to buy this Lemongrass Cardamom.

Ten dollars and 63 cents? Alright, here's a twenty. I guess that bet basically paid for my pillow mist. If you think about it, it's like a gift from you kind of.

Yeah I'm done now... it was nice meeting and talking with you Babs. You are quite pretty, and I'd love to see you naked...

Huh what, no... I didn't say...

Would it be too late to start this over again?

The Honorable Salon...

2009-10-21T23:11:00.002-04:00

Hello world! I would like to tell you of a recent adventure I went on. It was probably the best two hours of my life...in the last month or so. It all starts with my Daddy. He started seeing this new lady friend a couple months ago, or some time like that, I haven't been keeping tabs. This certain lady friend is a hoot, I like her, and she just happens to own a beauty salon. Ya know the places that make you look snazzy. Go there, get a haircut, maybe a facial, perhaps a sweet massage my friends?

Well I'll have you know that's exactly what I did. My Dad's lady friend, Laurie, offered me a free trip to her salon, Bella Mia Salon to be precise. The thing is, I've always wanted to go and get a massage for about four years, but I just never got around to it (I'm cheap). But when you're offered something like that for free, you don't turn that shit down kids.

So today, at 5:09 PM I left my house and drove to the salon. I arrived around 5:20, walked in, and was greeted by five perked up ladies. Laurie asked if I had to go to the bathroom, I didn't, so I was send up the stairs with the lovely Joann (iffy on the spelling) for my facial. She brought me to this quaint little room with orchestral music playing. In the center of the room there was a nice little bed. I took off my shirt and shoes, as I was told, and planted myself on the bed. It was heated. At that moment I knew the next two hours would be fucking fantastic.

So Joann walked in after I got comfy and told me to just relax. From there she did her various facial things. Those things included spreading various creams on my face, giving me awesome facial massages, and making my face feel like my face was a air conditioner. Was that a good comparison? You get what I'm saying? That feeling where you're face just breaths! Ahhhhh it's fucking fantastic. I miss that feeling.

So after Ms. Joann left, I felt a deep sadness overcome me. I'm kidding. She told me to throw on a robe and move to the next room. Let me just state how excited I was to throw on the robe. Those big white fluffy ones that are just so comfy, and you just feel really fancy and important putting it on. I've never worn one, and it was just a little cherry on the sundae.

So my next stop on the pampered express was at the massage station. I stripped down to my undies and crawled face down onto the bed. Another first time experience was placing my face in one of those horse shoe pillow things? The ones in the movies that you see peoples faces making all those painful expressions when they're getting massaged. Like this guy! I hope that photo haunts your dreams. Getting back on track, I got my massage. Laying face down it went like this: foot, leg, foot, leg, shoulders, back, back, shoulders, FLIP OVER, arm, leg, foot, foot, leg, arm, shoulders, and DONE! How long did that take you to read? Now stretch that over an hour, add a cute girl who knows what she's doing with her hands (Kristen), some rubbing lotion that makes dirty sounds, throw in some soothing nature music, don't forget to dim the lights, and you've still got no idea how it was because you were not there!

How was it you ask? My response is nowhere south of Heaven. I have never been so gone. Give me six beers, eight shots of vodka, and a frying pan to the back of the head and I'd still be more here in tune with the outside world than I was after this. Don't get a massage and drive people, I'm starting a new ad campaign. Seriously though, that massage was just so many adjectives, my top choice just being relaxing. I kind of just dissolved into the bed and let Kristen take advantage of my lifeless body. Her hands were like tools from heaven.

After she was done she told me to take my time getting up. I did just that. I moved at maximum tortoise speed. When I did get up, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked completely shit faced. My eyes were glazed like mother fuckers and my hair looked like something out of a bad Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon. Luckily I didn't get pulled over on the way home, or I would've been screwed. But I wasn't leaving just yet! I got the special "son of the owners boyfriend" deal where you're served dinner. It was magnificently delicious.

Then I left, feeling like a brand new man.

But there is a quick thing I'd like to discuss with you. What's with guys not wanting to do these things? Yeah yeah, we can watch football, drink beer, and wrestle each other for fun, but go to the beauty salon and get a one hour massage? Dude man yo fuck that shit. It sounds queer I know (I will state dudes going to the tanning salon is another story), but it's magnificent! Seriously, do not be ashamed. Go with your lady friend if you need an excuse, because you need to go at least once. Here's the catch though. You go once, you will go again. I don't care if it's in a week, a month, or six years, you WILL want to go back.

I now lay here in bed writing this post at 10:50. I can honestly say that I am pooped. I am never pooped at 10:50 at night. This is not normal! Ghost Hunters is on in ten minutes! Ya know what it is? The salon trip. You don't believe me, go for yourself. I feel like I ran five miles. My body is completely relaxed, so that was a bad comparison. I feel like I did something to make me really tired. But I didn't. I got pampered. Who knew that could make you tired? Maybe it's because my body is just so relaxed. I really don't know, but it's awesome. I don't want this feeling to go away. I also feel all smooth and nice from the massage lotion. Maybe this is what Penguins feel like. I don't know, but I'm going back.

I also think you should go too. Seriously. If you're stressed, maybe bummin (like-a-me), or just want to do something you don't do everyday, then go. I highly recommend Bella Mia Salon in Sturbridge, Mass. It's a great place full of friendly people, and it's got a nice homey feel. They also sell honey for quick bonus points. The least I could do was give the shout out considering the free treatment I got. You wont get the free treatment either, that's for me only, I think. Seriously go there though, it's fantastic.

Alright well I'm done, Ghost Hunters is totally on right now, and I've said mostly everything I wanted to say. But I'll be redundant quickly and say go pamper yourself, you read this post, you deserve it.

Later folks...

Eight Beautiful Hollywood Ladies...

2009-10-15T17:31:00.018-04:00

Seeing that it's a Thursday and I've never got much to do on Thursdays I thought I'd crack out an easy post for all to enjoy, and by all I mean those of the male sex. You see, I have like fourteen different posts in the works right now, but this one seemed like the easiest to accomplish. A list of the most beautiful actresses in Hollywood, where is the difficulty in that? That's right, there is none. Well at least for me there isn't any. I love me my movies and I know a pretty lady when I see one. Please don't accuse me of being shallow after reading this, thank you. Now lets get this shit started!

Beautiful Lady Ocho: Halle Berry

Let's kick things off with a little bit of diversity shall we? God bless you Halle Berry. You are so ridiculously hot, you had one hell of a career going, you took it from behind from Billy Bob Thorton, then you won an Oscar for it, followed that with Cat Woman, and now you haven't done jack diddily squat. I'm thinking the whole Billy Bob thing was like selling your soul to the devil. But oh well, at least you're still drop dead sexy. You pull of the short hairdo better than anybody ever to live, that's including guys. You also have one of the most killer bodies ever to grace a James Bond film, right behind Sean Connery. To anybody here who has not seen Die Another Day and Swordfish, do so right at this very second and see what all the hype is about (not acting wise).

Beautiful Lady Siete: Emma Stone

Now I've heard different reactions about this girl. Some people don't think she's that pretty. Well to those of you who say that, I casually tell you to fuck off. This girl doesn't have the most bodacious body, but it's cute. She's like the girl next door, and that's not her best selling point. Just look at those fucking eyes! Jesus H. Christ those things own my soul. I could go on all day about her eyes and smile. If she pulled a Cheshire Cat and all that existed was her face, I'd still marry her. Now I know everyone under the age of 20 has seen and can probably quote Superbad verbatim, so you've most likely seen her in that. But I think you should see Zombieland to see her at her hottest.

Beautiful Lady Seis: Jennifer Aniston

Yeah that's right, out of every picture of her I included that one with the toosh shot. Jennifer Aniston comes into this countdown as the second oldest lady of the bunch at the staggering age of 40. Catch your breath, I know, she still looks like she's in her twenties. I don't think she's aged since doing Friends, but I wont complain. Jennifer Aniston is not hot, this lady is straight up beautiful. I still question why Brad Pitt ever left her, because I definitely don't think Angelina Jolie is better looking. It's a hot debate that I think I'm on the less popular side of. Anyway I digress, I think Jen here just fits the mold of plain ol' beautiful, and that's not a bad thing. Oh and her toosh is fantastic.

Beautiful Lady Cinco: Isla Fisher

Oh Isla Fisher, introduced to me in the small comedy flick Wedding Crashers. You play the kinkiest virgin ever (so we're lead to believe), and you play it well. You're like the genius concoction of cute and hot. Bonus points for also being a red head. Everybody knows what the say about red heads, well I think you do. If not, google it, because it's scientific fact. Negative points for being married to the man who introduced the world to Bruno and Borat. Don't get me wrong, the guys hilarious, but there's just something not right there. She still comes in at number five anyway, so shut up.

Beautiful Lady Cuatro: Salma Hayek

Holy melons of wow! Salma Hayek, you pretty lady you. You've got a lot going for you. You're just...I can't focus. This is terrible. I just want to tell you that you're a complete babe. If you don't mind I'll just snuggle up on your bosom and fall asleep now, forever a happy man.

Beautiful Lady Tres: Megan Fox

I bet you were thinking I'd have this Fox (pun kinda?) at number one. I mean she's all the rage with kids these days, and she's probably responsible for 20 percent of the box office receipts for the Transformers sequel. How many horny guys (possibly girls as well) wanted to see Megan Fox run in slow motion for a good five minutes? A lot, and I'll have you know it was the best part of the second movie. Anyway, she's absolutely all the fucking hottest aspects of every woman put into one. In no particular order...bum: check, boobies: check, tummy: check, face: check, legs: check, skin: check...you get the idea, she's fucking hot.

Beautiful Lady Dos: Jessica Biel

Just the mere thought of your bum in Chuck and Larry puts a grin on my face. You are off the charts when it comes to having probably the most perfect body. You're not anorexic like half the ladies in Hollywood, you're more of a juicy athletic build, and it melts my mind. There is just something about you that puts you ahead of all those other Jessica's in Hollywood (Alba and Simpson primarily). I think you're highly overshadowed by those two, but don't worry, I've got you as my number one, well number two, but we can work that out at dinner...on Saturday...at Friendly's...around sixish.

Beautiful Lady UNO!: Scarlett Johansson

If you know me then this number one wont come as any shock to you. I am in love with Scarlett Johansson. The only thing I don't like about her is how difficult it is to correctly spell her name. Are there two S's? Are there six T's? Five N's? The world may never truly know, but this is how it's spelt on Wikipedia, so I'm sticking with it. Ms. Johansson is truly a vixen. She's got a voluptuous rack and a beautiful booty. Add to that her face...something about the face. Look at that picture. She's seeing deep into my soul, and she's got a nasty hold of it. Do with it what you like pretty lady. Oh and her lips, to sum it up...shapow! She doesn't seem to be from this time period either. Something about her says 50's and 60's. But I think that's what adds to her mysteriousness, like she's hiding something in her, something nasty. She's the most beautiful woman in Hollywood, easily, no competition. Super mega bonus points: she was in Eight Legged Freaks, which was an awesome movie.

There you have it. Disagree? Well I know, it's tough guys. There are so many beautiful woman in Hollywood. I stuck specifically to actresses, so if there's some singer like Beyonce or something, well she's acted, but seriously, I didn't add them, so deal with it. If there were any people you think really deserve to be in the top eight, then let me know. I can name a few off a few that I would've loved to see on here: Kate Beckinsale, Eva Mendes, Elizabeth Banks, Blake Lively, and the LOST hotty Evangeline Lilly, but it's just not that easy.

Hope you enjoyed this list. I like lists. They're quite easy to crack out in one day. Well I'm done...

Later folks...

UPDATE: HOLY SHIT! I FORGOT RACHEL MCADAMS! That is a sin against man. She is absolutely fucking gorgeous. But I apologize. I am only human, and thus my brain forgets things, and they escape me...I apologize Rachel, you're beautiful.

Bring Them Back NOW!...

2009-10-13T16:10:00.007-04:00

Every single company has a mascot. You've got the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Ronald McDonald, Tony the Tiger, the Energizer Bunny, Aunt Jemima, and Geico has the little lizard guy. Actually Geico has like 10 mascots, and they're all equally hilarious. But seriously, if there is one company responsible for creating the greatest fucking mascots ever, it's Budweiser.

When the Super Bowl roles around in February, the one thing everyone is most excited for is the commercials (possibly a biased statement). As everybody knows, the commercials have been on a steady decline over the past few years. They might look prettier and speak of deeper messages, but they're all lacking the most important thing about Super Bowl commercials, the comedic touch. Don't get me wrong, there are still a handful of funny commercials each year.

But in the fantastic year of 1994 (I was four years old) Budweiser pulled their greatest advertising move in the history of history. Sometime during a break in Super Bowl XXVIII (28 kids) Budweiser introduced the world to the Budweiser Frogs. The classic trio of bullfrogs sitting on lilly pads, each one bellowing "Bud" "Weis" and "Er". After about 20 seconds of their jingle the camera pulled back to reveal the frogs were located in a swamp right in front of a bar with a big neon Budweiser sign (for those who couldn't piece everything together beforehand).

After that, the next four years of Budweiser commercials consisted of a mix between there usual clydesdale horses, frogs, and the mix of outlandish comedic skits. But out of all of them, the frogs were the most recognizable. Once a commercial started, and you heard the ambiance of the swamp, you knew what was coming.

Then Super Bowl XXXII rolled around, and everything changed. Budweiser introduced us to a new group of characters. They were the Budweiser lizards (chameleons to be exact), named Louie and Frankie. Louie came holding a grudge against the frogs because they had beat him out for original part that the frogs got. What followed was one of the greatest series of commercials ever. I could write all about them, but I'll let you view it yourself...

*If you did not find any of that funny, I'd love to ask you to just stop reading this immediately.*

Budweiser made a saga. They made probably the greatest story ever told through commercials. What other series of commercials has told a legitimate full story? The one above had plots of jealousy, attempted murder, redemption, loss, and add to that great characters and lots of hilarity.

I'm also glad that the marketing team at Budweiser realized that ferrets are on of the funniest looking animals on the planet. I grew up with five of the stinky little bastards, so it only fills me with more glee to see them depicted as nature intended, the spaztastic retards of the animal kingdom.

>Now what I'm trying to get to is Budweiser, you need to bring back the whole swampy universe. Everyone of those characters are loved deeply. Hell I've said it before, I don't like Budweiser at all, but if they came out with a new commercial with the Ferret, the lizards, and the frogs, I'd purchase something Budweiser related. I'm still not old enough to purchase beer myself, so I'd be screwed in that sense, but there's always other ways for me to give them my money.

These days commercials are lacking some certain spark. A lot of companies aren't trying to create these memorable characters. I guess in the end that's not the main goal for commercials though, but jesus, just do it, it would give your company a recognizable mascot. Maybe that's not what sells, but it does keep your company on the brain. I'm not going to rant any more, you know what I want, what you need to do.

So for fucks sake bring back the Budweiser lizards, bring back the Budweiser frogs, and bring back that ferret, because he's a legend in my mind.

Later folks...

Dog After Life...

2009-10-05T23:29:00.000-04:00

Life will always be chock full of unanswerable questions. It's just a fact. That doesn't mean you can't have thousands of conversations about the unknown though. Such a situation came up the other day from dropping a couple friends off at school. My cousin whose 13 (shout out to Benny, you're kinda cool and stuff) and I somehow got into a deep conversation about death and the afterlife...

It's a conversation I've found myself in many times. It's something that anybody and everybody has some type of input on. From people who are all about there not being any afterlife, to those who believe ya go straight to the Big Man upstairs or the Heatmiser downstairs. It's never ever been proven what really happens and it never will, obviously. You can't get many answers from a dead man.

So really it's something that could be endlessly written about. I could go on about the science vs faith shenanigans that's been going on since the beginning of time, but that's not the point of this post. Me and my cousin covered those basics. But then we jumped into the realm of reincarnation. Haven't heard about reincarnation? Well simply put, it's when you die and then you become some type of animal or just another human in your next life.

The first thing we talk about was if you'd want to be reincarnated in the first place? Would you want to be some type of animal or would you rather wander around as a spirit? Going for a cop out I said I'd like to be reincarnated as an animal of choice and after my life as that I'd go all spirit mode and wander. But another big thing was if you'd forget your memories in your current life. I for one didn't want that. I mean, what's the point of this life if you forget everything in the end? That's just plain scary...

So skipping the cop out we went straight to what animal would you want to be? My cousin took the unoriginal route and said an eagle. Wow! Everybody wants to fly these days. And you'd also be a majestic bird, I guess that's cool. And you represent America and all that jazz. So alright being an eagle would be pretty kick ass. But it still comes with the worries of everyday life, like surviving for yourself and making a nest for your kids, and paying the bills. Basically every single animal would. Except pets...

So with my brilliant mind, I decided I would want to be a dog! It is a proven scientific fact that dogs have the greatest lives out of any animal ever to exist, excluding the ones you see in those sad Sarah McLachlan commercials. On a side note, if that clip doesn't rip at your heart strings, then you're a soulless bastard. Getting back on track, dogs and stuff. Yeah they have sweet lives. They eat, chase balls, go for the occasional jog, get fed, sit on comfy beds, make messes while still remaining cute, and piss and shit anywhere they fuckin wish! Name a life that sounds better than that, other than Oprah's.

So imagine today you're walking down the street, then OH MY GOD! A window falls from the heavens and crushes you all Final Destination 2 like. As your drift away from the smothered mess that is your body you hear a booming voice (indentical to James Earl Jones).

"Hellllloooooo young child of mine!" (That's something God would say right?) "I've come to offer you another life, the ability to be reincarnated as any animal your soul desires!"

His voice being so powerful you've now soiled yourself, you willfully agree. You decide to be...a german shepherd. SHA-FUCKIN-ZAM!

Next thing you know you're squeezing out the bitch womb and into your new home. After some time you crack your cute beady eyes open, and you're surrounded by gasping adoring humans. Holy shit, this is happening...

Eventually you're sold to some nice family and they spoil the crap out of you. This is the life. But then you realize...you've lived as a human before, you know what they're saying, you are totally going to fuck with these peoples minds!

Just think about how easy it would be. Imagine they have like two kids. A little girl, maybe three, and a ten year old boy. This is just the perfect set up. You can play good dog, bad dog. Everyones awake during the day, you are the nicest dog that side of the sun. People go to bed...time to cause some fucking chaos. You go into living room, grab a marker with your mouth and start scribbling things on the walls, maybe writing rude words.

The next morning the parents come out and see the catastrophe. Five minutes later, little Timmy is punished for three weeks, no allowance and he can't watch the newest iteration of Power Rangers on Saturday mornings. So you've messed with Timmy. Now the little girl...that one could be tough. Actually we'll show some heart and leave her alone.

We'll take care of the parents instead. You could do simple things like stealing the Dads wallet and hiding the television remote (seriously not cool). Slowly but surely you'll wither away at everyones sanity. But nobody will suspect you. You'll just be lying down in the corner on your cotton bed with your cute dog grin on your face. God it's the perfect plan. You'd make a great villain in a Disney film.

Of course you could not ruin the people that loves you lives. You could just be the good family dog and have fun. Enjoy your 10 or fifteen years on this Earth. As a bonus you'd also know not to chase cars, so you'd escape that fate. So lets take one more look at it...

You're conceived, cute eyes open, and then you're bought by a nice family...you're family. You've been reborn as your own dog you owned in your life. Hows that for a mind fuck folks? The thing is, what do you do? Do you try not to alter your life and just do your dogly duties day by day? And imagine watching yourself grow up from another point of view. Going back to such life changing events like the first time you got laid (that was worded rudely) or some other thing that shaped the way your life played out. What if you were the dog you owned when you died. Would you try to save your own life, thus altering the life you were in right now!?! This is like a fucking episode of LOST, so many damn paradoxes. There are really unlimited possibilities.

You could be born as the first dog ever, the dog that killed the last Dodo, the runt of a litter that sadly passes after a day, born during nomadic times and trained to hunt Wooly Mammoths, born to run the fucking Iditarod, or born to fight for Michael Vick (low blow man), you could be the douche dog and rip shit apart, or you could be like one of my dogs and be completely gay, etc etc etc...

After writing all of this I've realized you really had to have been there in the car. I swear to god it was hilarious. Oh well...

In the end, you'd die, and as a bonus you'd be left with the comforting thought that all dogs go to heaven.

Also, the image at the top is what I'll look like when I go to heaven as a dog, bad ass, I know.

Later folks...

Bum-tunes...

2009-10-01T00:47:00.060-04:00

Alright fuck it. I'm going to come out and state the truth here. I've been in a big rut lately, down in the dumps, just plain sad, however you want to put it. So with my ever so gloomy attitude on a day to day basis I find myself listening to more music than usual. Being in such a crap mood you'd expect I'd try and listen to something joyful and uplifting, but I think when you're in a certain mood, you listen to the music that reflects that mood. So what I'm going to do here, in the spirit of the movie Adventureland (highly recommended), I'm going to give you a list of bummer songs that I just love listening too. I mean who doesn't like them a good bummer song here and there?

So I'm really going to stress my mind and pick my top 10 songs that I listen too while in my state of bummage right now. This will be tough because I was originally going to do 50, but I thought testing myself and choosing just 10 would be much more interesting. That doesn't mean I wont cheat and have like 60 honorable mentions. So lets get to bummin folks!

Oh I'd also like to dedicate this post to Keith Rosseel. Now seriously let the countdown begin...

Track 1: Desperado by The Eagles...
Saddest lines:
"Desperado, oh, you aint gettin no youger
Your pain and your hunger, theyre drivin you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, thats just some people talkin
Your prison is walking through this world all alone"

Poor poor Desperado, guys not helping himself each day, pushing people away and trying to get by by himself. Well The Eagles know they're shit, and so they're going to lead him down the right road to a life full of rainbows and warm love. But life might just be a little bit gloomy for the time being...

Similar songs: Streets of Philadelphia by Bruce Springsteen, a lot of Joe Purdy, Don't Do Me Like That by Tom Petty, a few Elton John songs, Vienna by Billy Joel, Layla by Eric Clapton, and She Talks to Angels by The Black Crowes.

Track 2: Hold Me by Weezer...
Saddest lines:
"I was closer to you back then.
I was happier.
I was.
You are fading further from me.
Why don't you come home to me?
Hold me.
Hold me.
Take me with you 'cause I'm lonely."

Spot on Weezer, spot-fucking-on! Well if this song doesn't sum things up then I don't know does. And even though this song does have the most direct to the point lyrics, it's also one of the most up beat on this top ten list. Weezer just doesn't know how not to jam.

Similar songs: Congratulations by Blue October, Two Points for Honesty by Guster, Milk by Kings of Leon, If You're Gone by Matchbox Twenty, Scar Tissue by Red Hot Chili Peppers, and 6th Avenue Heartache by The Wallflowers.

Track 3: Daisychains by Youth Group...
Saddest lines:
"I lie awake at night
Staring at my roof
Now you're gone"

Jesus christ Youth Group, each and every one of your songs has a lingering sadness in them. I blame it mostly on the lead singers voice. But having to pick one song, I'd say this ones my favorite and the saddest. Why? Well there is no redemption in the song. The girls gone, she isn't coming back...

Similar songs: Every other song by Youth Group, Rebellion (Lies) by The Arcade Fire, Love Me Like the World is Ending by Ben Lee, Machines by Biffy Clyro, Hey by the Pixies, and one of my favorite songs ever I Would Walk 500 Miles by the Proclaimers.

Track 4: Worried Shoes by Karen O and the Kids...
Saddest lines:
"I took my lucky break and I broke it in two
Put on my worried shoes
My worried shoes
And my shoes took me so many miles and they never wore out
My worried shoes"

Well that is awesome, you've got a never ending pair of worried shoes. You'll be left in the blank the rest of your life, trying to escape your biggest mistake, but you just can't get over it. Really the first 3/4 of the song are pretty depressing, but it cheers up towards the end with a ray of sunshine. The song can found on the new soundtrack for the new Where the Wild Things Are soundtrack.

Similar songs: Magic by Colbie Caillat, Dream by Priscilla Ahn, Half Acre by Hem, oh and the greatest song really nothing like this song, but had to be on this post somewhere Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie.

Track 5: Forever Young by Alphaville...
Saddest lines: "Lets dance in style, lets dance for a while
Heaven can wait were only watching the skies
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?"

Not to be confused with the Rod Stewart song (also great). This song isn't all that bad though. It's really a song about living in the moment, because really you can't be young forever. But it's also about the Nuclear Arms Race, hence watching the skies and not wanting to get blown the fuck up. To further prove this songs gloomy overview factor, it was covered by Youth Group (track 3).

Similar songs: Fix You by Coldplay, Mr. Jones by Counting Crows, Good Man by Josh Ritter, New Slang by The Shins, Count to Ten by This World Fair, and Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground.

Track 6: If You Were Here by the Cary Brothers...
Saddest lines:
"The rain water drips
Through the cracks in the ceiling
And I'll have to spend
My time on repair
And just like the rain
I'll be always fallin', yeah
Only to rise and fall again"

This one's really got no picker upper lines. It's straight forward. This dude is broken, and he knows one day he'll be happy again. But then he'll crash again and go through the cycle. Something to look forward too.

Similar songs: Hold My Hand by Hootie and the Blowfish, Crash Into Me by Dave Matthew's Band, every third country song recorded, and Roll With Me by Montgomery Gentry.

Track 7: Walk Away by Ben Harper...
They say time will
Make all this go away
But its time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun
Is dropping on down
And once again you my friend
Are nowhere to be found
And its so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away"

That's the end of the song right there. Sometimes you've just got to walk away. I scanned the song for some happiness, and there was one line about the sun rising...followed by a line about it being another day without you, god dammit!

Similar songs: Sideways by Citizen Cope, I Shall Not Walk Alone by The Blind Boys of Alabama, Carry You by Dispatch, 90% of Jack Johnson's music, Hurt by Johnny Cash, Send Me On My Way by Rusted Root, and Best I Ever Had by Vertical Horizon.

Track 8: Jumper by Third Eye Blind...
Saddest lines:
"I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand, I would understand"

Suicide, always a cheery subject. An entire song dedicated to suicide, quite catchy. Who would've thought? Well under it's catchiness is a world of hurt, lies, and thoughts of jumping off cliffs. Way to go Third Eye Blind, you're so awesome!

Similar songs: What a Good Boy by Barenaked Ladies, Our Last Night by Better than Ezra, The Hook by Blues Travelers, One Thing by Finger Eleven, Adams Song by Blink 182, Walk Through Hell by Say Anything, and some Nada Surf (If You Leave).

Track 9: Let it Be by The Beatles...
Saddest lines: "When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

It's a pretty simple song with a pretty simple message, let it be folks.

Similar songs: Look What You've Done by JET, Not for All the Love in the World by The Thrills, One by U2, and wow alright the Beatles have a very unique sound. These guys are tough...

Track 10: Nothing Better by The Postal Service...
This song is different, so I've saved it for last. It's setup like a conversation between the two people in the relationship, so let me break this down for you lyrically.

Guy: "Will someone please call a surgeon

Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That your're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And i swear i'll do my best to comply

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together"

Okay that's cool. Obviously this guy is completely heartbroken, so he's come down to his last option which is spilling his heart out. Hell, he wants to marry the girl and spend his life with her. He loves this girl a lot. Let's see how things go...

Girl: "I feel must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave

So please back away and let me go..."

WOW! Shut down my good man, hardcore. This girl completely cuts this guy off and stomps on his heart like it's a small fire. What could possibly happen next? Lets find out folks, continue to spill your heart sir!

Guy: "I can't my darling i love you so...

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together"

Alright, we've heard that one before, but clearly this guy is madly in love!

Girl: "Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures"

Guy: "I admit that i have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again"

Girl: "You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye..."

And then it ends. Poor guy admits his faults, puts everything on the line, and spills his heart out. Then she totally shuts him down. Not cool kids! Not cool at all!

Similar songs: Well the Postal Service are a really unique band, and the whole girl and guy bickering thing is different too. But there is one song like it, Paradise by the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf. It's sad in a sense that the guy lies about loving a girl until the end of time just to get laid...but he does get laid.

That's a tough call...

Now go download these songs and wallow in self sadness folks, later...

A Brief Message to the Snuggie...

2009-09-25T00:20:00.001-04:00

Go fuck yourself. That sums up what I want to say really, but I guess I'll rant for a little. Like god dammit who the fuck buys you, you stupid fucking things, I mean jesus christ, WHO? You are the worst invention ever. Simply put, you're a successful failure. Suck a big one Snuggie.

I'm writing this because I just saw the four hundred and second advertisement for one this week. You should save America from wasting money and go straight to the seventh level of hell. Roast some weenies with Hitler and the Devil himself.

You make the dumb ass people who buy them look even dumber. You're like a big fuck you to the people who actually try to make a living inventing important things. A backwards bathrobe is not an invention. It's a mistake you make at 6:30 in the morning when you've got a terrible hangover.

And whoever thought up the idea for a Snuggie for dogs, you should be shot in the face with a potato gun. That's animal cruelty. The fact that either of these products are selling well enough to make any type of profit is just another factor pointing in the direction that humanity is going to collapse in on itself and the Earth will implode.

Fall off a bridge Snuggie, preferably this one.

In the inevitable apocalypse, some good will come of it. One hopeful thing is that it erases the mere thought of the Snuggie.

Okay I think I've done good enough considering this was a last second post before I go to bed...

Later folks...

It's the X!...

2009-09-23T20:05:00.002-04:00

P90X to be exact! Fuck yeah get pumped kids!

Don't let me frazzle you, I'll explain. P90X is the biggest work out sensation on the market right now, right ahead of Hip Hop Abs. It's the newest fat burning and muscle building revolution created by Tony 'The Fucking Man Beast' Horton. It's a 90 day program (13 weeks actually, so technically 91 days, but P91X doesn't really flow). So it takes up roughly three months of your life at about an hour to an hour and a half each day.

I don't know about anybody else, but I love watching me those always entertaining infomercials that start showing up on TV networks at about midnight every night. How many of those damn things offer you the best body ever. Some of the crazy things include the bender ball, the air climber, and the urban bounder. Hot damn all those products will make you ripped in just FIVE MINUTES A DAY! Hell maybe they will, but I think it'll take more than those five minutes to get you ripped like the people paid to demonstrate the product.

The thing is, to get results you've got to work hard. You have to motivate yourself every single day. Don't take breaks, don't eat tons of junk food, and don't go half assed if you are doing the work outs. If you do those things, you'll see results sooner than later.

Me, well I followed those rules pretty well. I had the motivation every day to do each workout. I didn't take any breaks, and I definitely didn't go half assed. I even went out of my way on a vacation to Newport to get each days workout done. I also did workouts on days when I had a hangover, it sucked. When it came to junk food...well I'm only human. I was guilty of pigging out once in a while. Some days I went out to eat, some days I was just craving a big bowl of delicious ice cream, and as a basic rule of life: when offered good food, never turn it down.

The program itself is 12 separate workouts:
1. Chest and Back; a shit ton of various varieties of push ups and pull ups.
2. Plyometrics; jump training. It won't kick your ass literally, but it will make it feel like someone did.
3. Shoulders and Arms; a lot of curls and presses and tricep things. Prepare to have salami arms.
4. Yoga X; it's that relaxing, stretching, awkward posses stuff. It makes you sweat a lot.
5. Legs and Back; squats, pull ups, squats, pull ups, squats, sore.
6. Kenpo X; punch, kick, block, sweat. Now you're that much closer to kicking someone's ass.
7. X Stretch; this one speaks for itself, with an X!
8. Core Synergetics; full body workout. In other words it will hurt you everywhere.
9. Chest, Shoulders, & Triceps; Push ups, presses, and...tricep work outs.
10. Back and Biceps; Pull ups and curls! Hazah!
11. Cardio X; a mix of plyometrics, yoga, and other cardio exercises.
12. Ab Ripper X; 16 minutes of pain, three days a week.

Looking at these twelve workouts you could probably figure out that you don't do these work outs in the order they're numbered. There are three separate schedules you can follow (classic, doubles, and lean). If you didn't click on the link then let me briefly explain. Actually I wont, click the link. But you basically do three weeks of certain workouts, then a recovery week, then three more weeks of a new routine, and then another recovery week. Finally for the end you do two weeks of the original routine then two weeks of the second routine, and then one last recovery week. Clicking that link would've both our lives easier.

I followed the classic schedule myself, but I also did some extra running on the side. But I also didn't follow the eating regime that comes with the workout. I didn't really follow it because I didn't have anything to follow. Ya see, I might have got ahold of this program illegally. I guess I could put myself in the test group that just does the workout and says fuck you to the eating right part of the program. The thing is though, I found myself just naturally eating better everyday. I mean, honestly, who wants to eat a bunch of crap food before you have to do an intense workout? Maybe somebody who likes to throw up, maybe...

Now if you buy the program legitimately you also get a nutrition plan (already talked about it), a fitness guide, and an added film on "how to bring it". What any of these include is completely passed me, because I didn't get any of them. They sound pretty dandy, but I can't say anything.

Each workout is pretty simple too, in a very hard way...don't think about what I just said. What happens is each works on a very simple formula. You start with a nice three minute warm up (sometimes longer) and then do your stretches for five or so minutes. After that you get into the meaty part of the workouts. This lasts for about 40ish minutes and then you've got a very welcome cool down. If you looked at the schedule you'll also know that every other day you've got to do the Ab Ripper X. Throughout that whole process you're working your body into a puddle of sweat and agony.

Oh and how could I forget about Tony Horton? He's the man who created this program. Well him and probably about a hundred other people, but he is the man who guides you everyday. He's there to yell at you and motivate your lazy ass. But he's not really scary or intimidating like you might expect. He seems like a mix between Billy Mays, John Rambo, and a four year old. It's up to you to figure out which is which. He's just a fun guy with his own unique way of pushing you. Really, he swears a total of like three times. He also seems to like the movie Forrest Gump, because he quotes it about eight times throughout program.

Now I'd always wanted to try some type of exercise program, and really P90X looked like the best option. Unfortunately I didn't want to drop the money for the program, fortunately my lady friend's Mom knew somebody who had the program. He made a copy for her, and then from there I made copies for myself. I waited for the next monday and got shit started.

The good thing about the program is the amount of variety it offers with every workout. Instead of using big ol' weights, I used my bodylastics! I was able to use them to do pull ups as well, until the door stopper thing snapped and fucking whipped me in the back. Then I started doing actual pull ups at my lady friends house (her Pop's set up a sick pull up spot). And then with a few of the workouts you don't even need weights or any equipment. You only need your poor helpless body.

So yeah, I followed the program religiously. Every single day for 91 days straight (June 15th to August 12). I didn't skip at day. I'm lying, I skipped one stretch day. But Sunday's give you the option to stretch or just rest, so I didn't feel too guilty. And I can't complain at all with the results. It's recommended that you take a before and after picture, but dammit I didn't. I wish I could go back and see the full transformation, but oh well, life goes on. I do know that there were significant results though. I lost about 15 pounds, but I also put on a good amount of muscle. Everywhere I got bigger (sounds dirty) and more cut.

So yes folks, this is a legitimate work out program. And if I had to pay 120 bucks for the results I got, I definitely would. But like I said before, you've got to keep motivated and BRING IT! That's the motto for the program, so I had to say it at least once. And I've also just started my second run through, so you can do it at least once, ya bum's. Only 88 more days to go...

Shit, later folks...

Wait results! Or a rough representation of them...

"When in doubt, pinky out."
- Patrick Star

Drink drink drink, yum yum yum...

2009-09-18T13:56:00.000-04:00

Be forewarned folks, it clearly states on the side of this blog that I'm 19 years old. I will stand by that fact, because I was born on the wonderful day of March 11th, 1990 (you now have no excuse not to wish me a happy birthday when it comes). Anyway, as about 93 percent of high school and college students drink alcohol on a weekly basis I'll say that I myself also enjoy a few libations here and there.

The thing is though, I haven't been drinking for that long. In fact the first time I did actually get drunk was when I was 19. For reasons I don't have to state I was kind of bitter towards drinking. Moving on, the first time I drank was when I went to Ithaca College to visit a friend of mine this March (holy shit that was like six months ago). Before I came he informed me that the weekend was probably going to be pretty ridiculously insane. Needless to say, I was very excited.

That weekend I got to choose what I'd be drinking. I picked me out some Bud Light Lime and Sam Adams. There was also an endless supply of cheap beers popular with young folk, Keystone. Oh and some fucking delicious jungle juice. For those who don't know, jungle juice is a plethora of fruit juices mixed with vodka. Over the two nights I killed more jungle juice than beer. To say the least, it was a wonderful experience.

The next few times I went to parties I enjoyed me some of the regular drinks, consisting of Bud, Coors, and Busch. I drank freely without any problems. But deep down in my heart I enjoyed that jungle juice. Then it happened, a moment I believe was a turning point in my life. I went to a party at a friend of mines, but there was a problem, I didn't have any booze. I asked a few of the people if I could pitch in and have some of there goods. One of my friends gladly agreed. He brought me some Bass beer. That shit was rotten. I fought all my gag reflexes to keep that shit down. Then I tried to have my some Bud Light, but something wasn't going right. I couldn't do it. It tasted like crap. Next thing I know I was going straight after the juices mixed with vodka.

Jump ahead in time to another party. I willfully split the cost for a 30 rack of Coors with a friend, drank about two. Went straight to vodka and cranberry juice. Another night I went thinking I'd stay the night at a friends house. I didn't though. I drank about one beer, and I wanted to regurgitate it all. I drove home about an hour later.

Then there was the next party. I got myself a party pack of Smirnoff Ice. It consisted of the four delicious flavors. They were Strawberry acai, green apple bite, raspberry burst, and original. That night was probably the most smashed I've ever gotten. Probably because of the inclusion of shots of Malibu and Vodka.I would like to include on separate occasions I've also had the wild grape and green tea flavors (the only one I'm not to fond of).

Let me just state, if you haven't figured out yet, I'm not an experienced drinker or anything. It's pretty obvious from what I've said so far. But I want to say that any day, no matter the situation, I will take a girly drink over any other type of alcohol or beer. Budweiser can go fuck itself, Coors can screw off, Sam Adams I just can't do it, and Corona...well you're actually pretty good, but I'd still have to skip over ya.

I've heard people say that drinking beer is an acquired taste. I gave it a fair shot. I gave it a few shots. But I'm really sorry. Call me a little girl if you like. I love me my juicy bubbly tasty Smirnoff. Some people say they don't like the fizzy feeling it gives you. I love it. Ever since my discovery of the deliciousness that is Smirnoff I've always had to defend myself one way or another. Why don't I just drink beer? Because just the smell that sifts out when you crack open a can of it makes me want to puke. Something about it just urks me.

And what's the beef with Smirnoff Ice exactly? It gets you drunk and tastes like fuckin jolly ranchers. Holy shit if that isn't one of the greatest combinations ever! Nifty little fact while I'm at it. Smirnoff Ice contains a smidgen more alcohol than most beers you manly men drink. So it gets the job done even quicker, so suck on that.

Let me propose this situation to you...

You're hanging out with some buddies, relaxing and watching the game. Then BOOM one of your buddies kicks down the front door.
"Yo man, I've got the goods."
"Nice, what options we've got?"
He holds out both hands and you gaze at them carefully.
"So this is gonna get us drunk?"
"Yeah!"
"What's each taste like?"
"Well this one here, it tastes like dirt, and the other tastes like sugary goodness. Which one you want?"

Think about it...think about it...

Yeah that's what I thought. Smirnoff Ice is king.

Later Folks.

What happened...

2009-09-13T00:19:00.008-04:00

Let us all jump in the good ol' time machine right now. Travel 19 long years back to when I was wee baby infant pooping my pants, a weekly tradition I'd prouly keep until I was about 8. Now let us flip on the boob tube and go to channel 52 (in my town, I don't care where you're from). More specifically, Nickel-fuckin-odeon! Aka the best god damn channel growing up as a kid in the 90's.

My rant for this post: Nickelodeon has gone straight down the shit slopes, and you know it! Also, I'm going to keep this strictly Nickelodeon. I'd love to travel into Disney channel territory, but I can save that for another post. And honestly, Nickelodeon was better, hands down! But I digress.

There are two parts to Nickelodeon in this rant, live action shows and cartoons. Lets start with live action first, because with out planning ahead I think the cartoons part will be longer.

Cartoons!
Remember when cartoons on Nickelodeon had balls? When I was a kid the cartoons pushed the humor to more than just stupid pop culture and fart jokes. Sometimes they got a little dirty. I remember watching episodes of some show later in my life and I remember thinking, "Holy crap, that joke was completely rude." Let me just drop lists of shows...

Old School Ballsy Shows:
Rocko's Modern Life, The Ren and Stimpy Show, Invader Zim, and KaBlam!

You might be thinking to yourself "KaBlam, Invader Zim, really now?" Think about it. KaBlam had some pretty twisted shit going on in it. Think about Action League Now! That show had a naked dude in it, a stereotypical angry black boss, and a dude who dived scuba dived into toilets. It was hilarious, and that's only just the beginning of it. You had other things too, like The Off Beats and Life with Loopy. The Off Beats was about a group of losers being bullied by a bunch of popular kids, it was depressing. Life with Loopy, well that was about a girl who had no friends so she went on crazy adventures in her couch and stuff. The list goes really goes on for a while with all the skits. Just check out the Wikipedia page. Jesus the fucking memories...

On the other hand Rocko's Modern Life, Ren and Stimpy, and Invader Zim are just blatantly messed up. Invader Zim was taken off the air because it actually frightened children. It's not hard to see why. That show didn't even try to cover up it's creepiness. Oh for those that don't know it was about an Alien outcast with a malfunctioning robot named Gir sent to Earth to try and blow it up. I actually think the creators of this show wanted to scar some childhoods. There was actually an unaired Christmas episode where Zim tried taking over the Earth dressed as Santa (which ends up being semi successful). It was a shame that it was also the last episode ever finished because the show was canceled midseason three. Fortunately I own every season on DVD and watch it periodically.

It would be a shame if I didn't talk about Rocko's Modern Life briefly because really out of all the cartoons back then, this one is probably a majority favorite. It's amazing how many episodes you can remember when thinking back about it. But really the best part was the humor in this show. It was amazing the things that Nickelodeon let slide in. Their were the stereotypical gay lizards, the episode with the black bars blocking out naked body parts, jokes about sex and drugs, etcetera etcetera etcetera. The writers even claimed they would try and push the limits as much as they could and they wrote it differently than other kids shows did at the time. This show was absolutely hilarious even if everything completely flew over your head.

With Ren and Stimpy, the shows writers just went full out. That show was a mind fuck. I didn't watch it as much as other cartoons at the time, but seeing only a few episodes left a serious mark in the brain.

Now let me look at the current line up on Nickelodeon and see what might just have a pair...

Holy fuck! Oh god I think I puked a little. There are currently four original shows with new episodes running on Nickelodeon right now. Are you kidding me. They are The Fairly Odd Parents, SpongeBob, The Mighty B, and Back at the Barnyard. Let me say that two of those shows started in 1999 and 2001 respectively. So right now their are really two fairly new shows, Back at the Barnyard (based on a fairly successful movie), and The Mighty B which I will not delve into deeper because I and you shouldn't give a flying fuck.

Let me step aside and put on record that I love SpongeBob Squarepants. I've been faithful to that show since 1999. I remember watching the original airing of the first episode. The one where he has to get a super awesome spatula, and all the anchovies attack. The rest is history, and since that first episode their have been 151 more full episodes. It really speaks volumes of the show and it's character. It even had a successful movie! And usually when a Nickelodeon show has a movie come out, it usually signals the end (except Rugrats).

That leads me straight to the other awesome cartoons of long ago. I don't even know if I'll have to explain why they're so awesome, but I might give it a shot...if you're lucky.

The Rugrats (kick ass), Angry Beavers (greatest cartoon ever?), Hey Arnold (good for the soul), CatDog (hilarious, Dog was better), Aaaah Real Monsters (the shit), Pinky and the Brain (EPIC), Rocket Power (balls to the wall), Tiny Toons Adventures (silly fun), Inspector Gadget (pretty damn good), The Wild Thornberries (so fuckin cool), Doug (awesome), and even As Told By Ginger (kinda gay) was better than any of that new shit! Honestly, I only listed half the shows that were airing during my youth. These were mainly the most popular, but even still, that more than doubles the new shit now, it's a fucking travesty.

That basically covers the cartoons, lets move on into live action territories...

Live Action!
Now live action can be broken down into many subgroups. There are the game shows, the sitcom type things, and variety shows.

I'll get the variety shows over with because really there weren't many that mattered. But there was All That! For a complete rip off of Saturday Night Live, this show was very funny. Basically everyone who was on it went on to do nothing at all (except Amanda Bines, and the fat chick was in Dogdeball, as a fat chick). But it had a lot of memorable skits. You had Repair Man Man Man Man, Vital Information, Detective Dan, Fat Cop, and You Can't Win. Really there's a laundry list of things. It even had it's own spin off movie Good Burger, which by the way was absolutely hilarious. It's good to see that Kenan Thompson ended up getting onto SNL though cause I really think he's a funny guy.

Being the awesome transition-ist that I am, I'll use Kenan to direct us straight into the regular sitcom type shows. How about we start with um...Kenan and Kel! Probably one of the funnier live action shows on Nickelodeon, as compared to nowadays when you can watch...iCarly? God dammit.

I wont be completely negative though, I do enjoy Drake and Josh quite a bit. But it doesn't add up to the awesomeness that is Are You Afraid of the Dark, 100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd, Animorphs, Cousin Skeeter, Hey Dude, The Journey of Allen Strange, Salute Your Shorts, and a favorite of mine, The Adventures of Pete and Pete. All these shows weren't just recycled life lessons for kids. They were clever thought out new ideas, some with an overall darker tones than usual (Allen Strange, Animorphs, and Pete and Pete). They actually had different actors too, instead of recycling from show to show. That happens with every damn show now...it just shows the lack of creativity that goes into these things.

And to finish off I'd like to jump into the category of game shows! Once again in the now there are no fucking game shows on Nickelodeon. It's a god damn joke. When you look back into the past though there is the greatest of great game shows. We've got all the iterations of Double Dare, GUTS, and Figure it out. Then there's the greatest of the greatest of the great, Legends of the Hidden Temple! If you didn't dream of being on one of these shows when you were a kid and having a sweet nickname like Cheetah or the fucking Panther Shark, then there is seriously something wrong with you. Go do something fun.

I know some of the prizes were pretty cheap (backpacks), and the chance of winning Double Dare and Legends was nearly impossible because they stacked the odds so much against the 10 year olds competing. But still I could watch repeats of those shows any day and everyday. And I use to be able to do that when the Nickelodeon GAS channel existed. But then they fucking changed it to that Noggin bullshit. Now it's all those crappy teeny shows where kids bang teachers and get pregnant and usual stuff like that. Luckily the NickToons channel still exists, so I can enjoy all the good cartoons.

And for the fuck of it, there was Slime Time Live. On everyday around three o'clock, perfect for when you got home to watch TV, eat snacks, and become an obese lazy american. Who the fuck was that guy who hosted that? He was such a tool, but I love him deep down.

What I'm trying to say people is that it's just not the same anymore. I don't care what you say, but the cartoons ranging from the 80's and 90's were just THE BEST. I didn't even dip my feet into the Disney and Fox channels. And I didn't even get that in depth discussing every TV show, but if that were the case, this post would've been fucking ginormous! The quality of things goes down with each show because these days it's all about making as much money as you can without trying to push any new boundaries.

It really is a shame though. Because with technology increasing these days things should only be getting better. But the technology allows for an almost lazy attitude. What I can tell you to do though is go online and watch a handful of the shows on YouTube (I even linked it for you). If you're younger you'll see what you missed out on, and if you are my age you'll just take some time to reminisce on when you were a mindless kid watching the best cartoons TV could offer. If you're older, I have no right to tell you what to do. It's a matter of respect.

Later folks...

The Greatest Game Ever...

2009-09-08T21:38:00.004-04:00

Sometimes spontaneously spending your money on something isn't a good idea. Actually it's probably very rarely a good idea. But sometimes, just sometimes, you spend your money on something way out of left field, and it ends up being a gold mine of awesomeness. Such a purchase took place only a short week ago for myself.

I was in the Wal-Mart plaza, because when you're bored and have some nice pocket change to spend you go to the Wal-Mart plaza. Anyway, probably after spending two or four hours in Wal-Mart having a joyess time, I realized I had nothing I really wanted to purchase. So the next best place to stop for a nerd like me, Game Stop. I made a b-line for the used games section. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, but out of the massive pack shone one game, EARTH DEFENSE FORCE 2017. I didn't put that in caps for the sake of it, I did it because on the cover of the game it's in fucking caps, because it knows it's own magnitude of kick ass.

Clearly from the cover you can tell that this game was made in China or somewhere around there. And it's totally obvious from the get go that it is. Plain and simple, this game is ridiculous. It's also the fucking shitrocity to the max! Here's three over long reasons why:

1. The story...oh wait, there's a story? You could've fooled me. Nobody in the history of life will ever know the fleshed out version of this story. All there really is is a shit ton of giant insects and robots are attacking earth. I think they've got something in common, because the insects do drop from the ship, but you never really learn what is controlling all these monstrosities and what their real goals are. Other than to butt rape earth of course. But honestly, who gives a crap? Nobody, nobody at all.

2. The voice work. If this game doesn't have the most hilarious voice over work ever, well than I'd love to play whatever game does, because this game had me laughing every time somebody spoke. You're surrounded by squad members throughout the game, and their purposes are to scream cliche lines and die. Some things you might hear (about 800 times) include "GAAHHHRGHHH!", "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!", "SHOOT SHOOT!", and "THEY'RE LIKE GIANT INSECTS!!" Whoever that guy was sure had a knack for screaming out pointless things before he turned into spider lunch. And I didn't even mention the news reported who gives you updates on how the rest of the world is getting it's ass handed to it. She's a real confidence booster, let me tell you.

3. The sheer amount of fucking awesome and fun you're going to have playing this. This game is the equivalent of that G.I. Joe movie this summer. You could turn off your brain and just have fun. It's also like Transformers in the fact that 50 percent of the time you wont have any clue what is happening. This game has a knack for tossing hundreds of enemies at you on occasion (the whole game), and sometimes it just can't handle it. From the giants ants spraying sticky shit out their rectums to the robots shooting giant lasers at your face to the fact that you're shooting buildings and other things as they collapse and holy christ it's ridiculous. All that can cause the game to slow down a bit. While some would find that to be a negative, I just like to make my character dive in slow motion, because anything in slow motion is sweet.

Oh yeah that reminds me, the controls for this game are completely butt fucked. Running and looking around is normal, but try to jump with A and nothing happens. That's right, A is a useless button. You jump with the left trigger, because this game has the right to tell every other control scheme to fuck off. It also took me three hours how to get into one of the vehicles because you have to press SELECT, what the? You're better off not getting into one of the vehicles which consist of a helicopter, mech suit, tank, and hover bike thing. They control like crap and you just end up turning yourself into an orgy of bugs and scrap metal. On the plus side of things you never have to reload. You wouldn't need to, you're constantly holding down the right trigger shooting the bazillions of enemies in your grill. So it reloads when you're out of ammo automatically. Also, unlimited ammo. Booyah!

A lot of the time you're also trying to pick up weapons and various armor packs that increase your health each time ya get one. Oh and the weapons, I haven't unlocked everyone of them, and I probably wont, but they range from complete pointless to fucking insane. There are flame throwers, giant fucking explosion guns, slow missile guns, machine guns, turret guns, shotguns, etc, etc, etc...I guess you can unlock the "Genocide gun" when you beat the game on INFERNO! But I don't see how that's possible.

Oh for the love of civilians! That thing is the Stalin of guns, no questions asked.

Note from that video that while your main goal in the game is to protect Earth from ultimate destruction, you're almost enticed to destroy every building on the maps. Let me also note that their are basically four total distinct locations you fight in, the city, beach, hilly landscapes, and giant caves. It's not the most visually beautiful game, but it does well for what it's offering on screen.

And as with any Xbox 360 game, there are achievements. They went out of there way to get creative with this one, but not really. There are six total:

1. All stages cleared (easy)
2. All stages cleared (normal)
3. All stages cleared (hard)
4. All stages cleared (hardest)
5. All stages cleared (inferno)
and the most creative...
6. All weapons aquired

Take note that the hardest difficulty isn't even the hardest. That's how fucking hard inferno is. And playing cooperatively with a friend wont increase your chances of success either.

One more thing before I end this post. This game contains giant dino-mechs! Yeah that means more than one! You actually battle TWO at one point. Two fucking dino-mechs! That's unheard of. And to just blow your mind, there is also a Mech-Dino. Yes, Mech-Dinos and dino-mechs are two completely different things. Enjoy picking up your brain matter after that.

Later folks.

All By Myself...

2009-09-03T21:09:00.002-04:00

You know that feeling of being the odd one out in a group of people? You just know nobody likes you for what you are. You're stuck their, you can't control the way you are, it just happened, kinda. I'm looked down on by my father, girlfriend, most of my best friends, and even my own grandparents. Thing is...I'm an Indianapolis Colts fan, and throughout my everyday life 98 percent of the people around me are New England Patriots fans!

I'll go back to when I was a wee little lad, unguided, planning to be a scuba diver when I grew up. My cousin brought me and my brother Nick to our first pro football game. I was as giddy as a school girl. I don't recall if I had any Patriots getup, or how many drunk people were sitting in my section. I do remember that the Patriots were playing the Colts that day. It was that night I'd make the third worst decision of my life. I decided I'd root for the team the other 40,000 people the in the stadium were rooting against. And it wasn't necessarily a bad decision, but it would lead me to thousands of conversations about whether Tom Brady or Peyton Manning were a bigger fag.

And at what point exactly did the Pats and the Colts start fuckin hating each other so much. It's like the Yankees and the Sox, except maybe not as much. But still, why couldn't it have been the Bengals or the Jets? The Jets would make sense. I guess they hate the Giants just as much now, but I'll get to that in a sec. It's like "Hey Nate, you foolish little child, you want to like the Colts? Well guess what! You're a small fish in a swimming pool full of demon sharks! Enjoy your existence!" Why did they both have to become the best teams in the AFC each year battling for the championship.

And why do people hate Peyton Manning. It seems like hating the Colts has just turned into hating Peyton Manning! Every time it's brought up I'm led directly to how shitty a quarterback he is, p.s. he isn't. How could you hate that man. Have you seen the commercials he's in? Guys a fuckin comedic legend. What has Tom Brady done? Modeled for some cheap colognes you can pick up at your local Macy's? I'm sorry if that was out of line, but honestly, it's true. Although he was on an episode of Entourage recently, so kudos for that.

I guess I never wanted to be hostile about the whole situation, but from constant poking and prodding over the entirety of my life, you tend to get defensive. I don't get mad about it really, I just have to stand my ground. Like I said before, Peyton Manning is not a bad quarterback, neither is Tom Brady. Fuck they're both the two best quarterbacks in the NFL right now, each better in their own respective ways. And I'm not stats genius, but if ya look up either they're both great (obvious statement of the week).

And why the hell do people praise Bill Belichick like he's the second coming of christ. Man's a good coach, but people act like every single decision he makes is pure fucking gold. Last I checked he made a few stupid mistakes, and he got rid of Vrabel, seriously what the shit man. I'm not a Pats fan, but I like Vrabel. In fact I like a few players on the Patriots. I don't hate or like certain players because of what teams their on, I like them for what type of person they seem like and how they play the game, people should learn something from that.

Here's something else I'm sure you'll all love to hear. When it comes to baseball I'm a Diamondbacks fan, when it comes to hockey I'm a Panthers fan, and when it comes to basketball...I don't really give a shit about it, I guess the Celtics are cool. To sum all these discrepancies up, I was a weird kid who picked teams mostly for their cool logos.

I'm always told "Nate, what the hell why don't you stand by the teams from your home state" or something along those lines, maybe with a few vulgarities thrown in. Thing is, I grew up liking these teams. I've got jerseys and small hats to prove it. I'm not going to just change my mind now because ones winning or I'm told to like them, screw that. In fact, I think people like that are lame. Jumping ship whenever your team is losing, or "climbing aboard the band wagon" of the winning team. That's just shameful. So I say stand by your team through thick and thin, no matter what happens*. Neither do I have grudges with people liking other teams, got to respect others decisions.

Now lets recall my two favorite Super Bowl's back to fucking back. Both these stories take place in the exact same places, which makes it all the more better.

First one, the years 2007, Colts and Bears are in the Super Bowl, and you know precisely where this is about to go. But the thing is I'm at my friends house. His name is Frank, and I'm surrounded by a bunch of my friends and his family. I'm the only one rooting for the Colts. First kick off and it's returned for a touchdown by the Bears. I'm engulfed by the cheers and insults of my friends, the next couple hours are going to be a blast. But by half time with the Colts up by three, I'm not the quiet one anymore. So as history has it, the Colts ended up spanking the Bears and Manning was named the MVP. Once I get into cell phone service, I receive a crap load of hate texts.

Fast forward a year later, and we've got the unstoppable Patriots up against the underdog Giants. I know everyone knows the outcome of this one too, who doesn't, it's the biggest upset in the history of football. Don't agree? I don't care, because it is. The Patriots without a doubt should not have lost that game, but dammit, they did, and it was glorious. Anyway, I'm at my friend Franks house, surrounded by basically the same people, but this time it wasn't my team in the big game, so I really had nothing to worry about. What if the Patriots did win that 4th Super Bowl? It'd be the same ol' thing I heard after the first, second and third time. Instead, Manning threw that 32 yard reception to Tyree and I exploded with joy as everyone else in the room was stunned, sitting silently, and slack jawed. To say it was the greatest moment of my life would be a lie, it was second, only to be beat by the moment when the game finally ended with the Giants up 17 to 14 and Eli Manning named the MVP.

Solid ending I think, see ya later folks, and enjoy this NFL season.

*If you're kicked out of your house, shunned by your family, or you've got a gun to your face, then might be the time to jump ship and board the nearest band wagon.*

Poop...

2009-08-31T20:43:00.004-04:00

Alright sweet, my classes officially started today, I don't know how they'd unofficially start, but that's beside the point. What is my point, is that I now have way to much time on my hands. My schedule (time wise) is a piece of cake. Two days a week I'm out at 10:40, another two I'm out at noon, and then that fifth day is off. So right now my autopilot is looking like get out of class, go home (I commute if you haven't picked up on that), do my workout, get my homework done, and then...um...well I could...nah...shit.

Good thing I have this blog...

Serpentes n' Arachnida...

2009-08-30T13:03:00.019-04:00

*As a side note before I start this article, this post is completely biased, but I try to be fair to each side. Also when it comes to any type of insect I'm withered down mentally to that of a 4 year old girl.*

I was at my lady friends a couple of weeks ago when a heated debate came up (and it's been brought up many times since then), which is worse? A spider or a snake? I without any hesitation said spider, fuck spiders. I also had one other person on my side, her brother. We decided to ask the rest of the people there and we slowly realized we were in the majority. And by majority I mean the only two who chose spiders. Everyone else didn't even think and they were saying snake, snake, snake. Since then I've brought up the question a few times, every damn time it's snake that gets the most votes. So I'd like to present a few statistics I'm about to google.

First off, the scariest thing about either of the two is that they can kill you with little effort on their part. And even though we're significantly larger than both species (anacondas and freak snakes aside) we still have to run to the shed, grab a large object and bash them at least 15 times before we even check if theirs any life left in them (if there is, bash 15 more times, rinse and repeat). Good thing there aren't many of the venomous species in the US. As for the rest of the world, well you're screwed as is. But that still means there are some, and dammit, what they lack in numbers, they make up for with making you rot from the inside out.

The spiders we're talking about are the brown recluse. He sounds like a little shy guy who wouldn't want anything to do with you, but this is a nasty little fuck about the size of a dime who can turn you into the toxic avenger (depending on if he gets you in the face). And then there's the holy grail of nasties, the black widow. Everyone knows these suckers are mean, just listen to the name. She's a spider, who recently lost her husband, so she's sure to bite you with the right amount of venom to turn you into a paraplegic with high blood pressure. So maybe it wont kill you, but stay the fuck away from stairs and fast food joints. Head towards the closest hospital instead, and have someone else drive, your eyelids might have a tendency to swell up. As for any other types of venomous guys, it tends to be varying family members of recluses and widows, in every single state, sleep tight.

As for those slithery little guys, well their are a shit load of them. You've got varying rattlesnakes, copperheads, cottonmouth, sidewinders, and massasauga (new to me), and the least popular coral snake. The rattler and coral being the most deadly. They both have the tendency to rot your insides and give you a slow and painful death. The thing is all of these snakes are generally very shy and before killing you they tend to give you a great big warning (usually sounds like hissss or a maraca). So next time your hiking or planting flowers and you hear anything of that sort, bail.

So right now my whole spiders are worse theory isn't really looking hot, but lets not forget about something, size! I stand by this scenario, so I'll present you with it now. A man comes to your house while you're not there. He unleashes a venomous creature in your living quarters. Now which would you rather he placed in your home? Would you rather a spider or a snake? Think about it...ya done? Good. Okay, in my mind two things separate snakes from spiders, size and respect. Last time I checked snakes range from maybe a little under a foot to pretty fucking huge (aka 30 feet). Those poisonous ones on the list usually max out at like nine or ten feet. Spiders on the other hand, well they range from the size of snowflake to a OH MY GOD THAT'S TOO BiG! That last one might be abnormal, but usually they are about the size of a quarter. As for respect, well what I mean by that is snakes usually just warn you when you're in their space and they don't bother you that much when you're in your own place. When has a spider ever respected your space? Never, that's when. They crawl around making their little webs in the corners of your rooms so you have to carry a vacuum upstairs and clean it up, fuckin disrespectful spiders. Oh and they can walk on ceilings, thus capable of being ANYWHERE (shoes, coats, backpack, or your mouth while your sleeping).

And for a final little factoid, about five to ten people die from snake bites each year (most dealing with people trying to handle the snakes themselves, so they kinda deserve it) while only about 2 from spider bites (most likely while taking a nap on the living room couch).

So alright, there ya have it. I still think spiders are worse, and I'll stand by that. But I'd rather neither if I could have a third choice. But if they didn't exist it'd probably throw off the whole food web and then mosquitoes and mice would take over the world. Or every thing would just explode.

My two dream professions...

2009-08-29T12:40:00.029-04:00

Lets face it, the economy is shit, the job market is horrible right now, and people are sinking in poverty left and right. What we need is for some foreign world to crawl out from hiding and offer up some new future professions, and me being 19 and still in college, I'm ripe for the picking. So here they are, my two future dream professions...

1. Jedi!

I don't care if I'm a jedi master, jedi bounty hunter, or jedi fat ass who sits on a couch eating potato chips all day using my sweet force powers for pointless amusement. Everyone knows that at one point in their life they wanted to be a jedi. Why wouldn't you be? You basically have the freedom to do what ever the hell you want. You can jump 40 feet, control someone's mind, and force push/pull anything and everything. Let's put those little powers into perspective.

You're a good guy, low on money, and you decide you want to rob a bank. First plan of attack, fuck the front doors, jump onto the roof of the damn place, look for security cameras and one by one pluck those suckers off the walls like the wings off a fly. Once done with that, force float the fuck down into the place and head straight for the counter. It may also be key to wear one of those sweet long robes that jedi's are known for wearing just in case you missed a camera or two (but don't look as queer as that guy doing so). So you're at the counter, guy asks you want you want, you do your hand wave and tell him you would like 3 million buckaroos from inside the vault, please (be polite, if you're a good jedi).

So he goes into the back to get you your money, but oh shit, rookie mistake, you didn't take notice of all the other security guards and what not. They're suspicious, especially when you're handed a bag full of bills, and call for backup. You think you're boned, but wait, YOU'RE A JEDI! You do flips and shit, they start shooting rounds at you like it's nobodies business, but fuck them, you reflect the bullets elsewhere with your mind. You get out the doors unharmed, and cop cars are everywhere with officers steadily taking aim at you from behind their car doors. This is when you can whip out the force shield and walk back to your place. Or just get you land speeder and go to mexico, it's your call, the options are limitless as a jedi.

So that was a brief example of the awesomeness you're capable of doing. And I haven't even got to the best part, the lightsaber! It's 100 percent fact that it's the coolest weapon ever. And you can customize it to your liking however you want. Make it purple, green, yellow, black (potentially very dangerous), or rainbow, maybe. There are also double sided and nunchuck lightsabers if you like to get fancy. Using your sweet jedi powers you'll be able to block or deflect any bullets (lead or laser), cut through anything, and to fully say fuck you to guns, you can simply chuck the thing like a boomerang at any enemy too far away to get stabbed.

For more evidence of this being the best job ever, just watch this video (you can skip like a minute in if ya want):

Actually now that I think of it I don't know how just being a jedi would be a job, but I'm pretty sure you could find some ways to get paid for using your powers.

Oh and there's this.

2. Professional Quidditch Player!

You might be all like Nate, quidditch is the gayest thing ever. I say nay, it is the greatest thing ever to come from that which is the Harry Potter Universe. It's like if the brutality of rugby had sex with the wicked witch of the west, and then their child had sex with the offspring of football, basketball, and soccer. However the family tree works, it would be sick.

I wouldn't even care if I were a fuckin wizard or not. As long as I could get on one of those brooms and fly around and kick ass I'd be happy. Think about this for the second, what were the most thrilling moments in any of the HP movies?

1. The quidditch match in The Half Blood Prince
2. The quidditch match in The Chamber of Secrets
3. Battle between Dumbledore and Voldermort at the end of Order of the Pheonix
4. The quidditch match in Prisoner of Azkaban
5. The dragon scene in Goblet of Fire (it's on a broom so it half counts)
6. The quidditch match in The Sorcerers Stone

And lets jump to the best Harry Potter video game, um...Quidditch World Cup! Why EA hasn't made this their premiere game series instead of Madden still befuddles me.

But anyway, if Harry Potters world crawled out from behind all their little protective muggle shields and Quidditch went main stream, then I'm pretty sure it would become the most popular sport in the world, and it might just create world peace. With all that happening Quidditch players would end up being the highest paid athletes and I'd be a fucking millionaire. And it'd be fun as buckets full of kittens strapped to rockets that's main purposes were to fly around amusement parks, or to something of that caliber.

And this.

So their you have it, my two future dream professions. So either these worlds better happen or someone should invent the technology for these things to come true, like now.

So long sweet movies...

2009-08-29T01:50:00.003-04:00

As the summer comes to it's sudden end, I like to think back about all the movies I went and saw over it. I will come right out before I get called out about it, I love to go see the big exciting action oriented movies before seeing anything else. Forgive me but I'm a 19 year old male who was brought up watching the Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers.

Also remember these aren't recaps, they're quick little tidbits into what I thought of each flick, so don't worry about spoilers.

So first up was the highly anticipated X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Wolverine has always been, and will most likely always will be my favorite comic book character (Hellboy and Hulk coming in a close 2nd and 3rd). I'm not a huge comic book aficionado but I do have a big box chock full of them under my bed, and I've read enough about the character to know his origins story. And I know this movie kind of totally butt fucked that story, but for a movie adaptation...well nope it totally sucked. Hugh Jackman is the perfect Wolverine as well as Ryan Reynolds for Deadpool, but Christ almighty this movie was just not that good at all. The action scenes were a mess, except maybe one, and the special effects were mediocre at best. Maybe, just maybe, if I didn't know the characters and their stories (ahem Deadpool! and everyone else) I might find this a fun movie. But I was overly bothered by a movie that seemed rushed out of any sort of development for a quick buck.

Next up was the (might be used more than once in this post) absolutely amazing (or fucking incredible) Star Trek. First off, I never ever watched any of the iterations of the show as I grew up (aside from a few repeats on SciFi, now SyFy). I'll also say the first fifteen minutes of the film are it's best, but it's not like it's a drag from their. The movie is almost pitch perfect for what it sets out to be, a science fiction blockbuster with just the right amount of action, heart, and laughter. And for an ensemble cast, the acting is all great. Unlike the movie before this, the special effects were beautiful. The story, dealing with a hefty amount of time travel, is a little confusing, but if ya just think about it a while it makes sense and really gives J.J. Abrams all the freedom he wants for future films in the newly revitalized series.

A couple weeks later two films were released that were both worth the money to see in theaters. First up was...UP. The newest flick out of Pixar studios that continues their streak of not being able to make a bad movie. I'll say again, the first ten or so minutes of this movie were the most powerful emotionally. I wont give it away even though it's already been out for a couple months, but it got me eyes watery and had my girlfriend in tears. The rest of the movie was littered with classic characters, beautiful imagery, hilarity, great adventure, and heavy undertones about loss and family. What else would you expect from Pixar? They're always on their game. The day they make a movie that's rotten on rotten tomatoes, is most likely somehow going to coincide with the apocalypse I wait for.

Number two of that weekends double whammy was the hilariously scary Drag Me To Hell. Right off the bat, fuck this movie in it's awesome face. I went to this movie with my lady friend as well, and I'm very sure I jumped more times than she did. Luckily I admitted that I was going to before the movie started, she laughed at me. Anyway, another really good movie, also the loudest film I've ever seen. The theater purposely jacked the volume up to 11 just to make sure even the least jumpy would jump six times during the movie. Anyway the movie was the perfect date movie, containing numerous shots of nasty. Not the "I just got my stomach ripped open look at my organs spill everywhere" type of nasty, but the "this old lady just coughed up some type of yellowy green mucus onto the main characters face, and it was funny as hell" type of nasty. It was also just a great horror flick compared to all the teen slasher films that happen every other week in cinemas these days. It was classic Sam Raimi fun, gross out, scare the bejeezus out of ya fun.

Now this next one I swear to Jesus is the funniest movie I've seen in years. People say things like that a lot, myself very much included, but honestly, it's the funniest movie I've seen in years, redundancy. Almost forgot to include the title, The Hangover, how the hell could this not be the funniest movie ever? What's more funny than watching a bunch of people get wasted? Well seeing them hung over in the morning of course. Now take that common scenario and add four hilarious actors, multiply it by Las Vegas, and square it by an hour and forty minutes of comedic mayhem. It all comes out to equal the most gut busting make you laugh your silly ass off comedy I've seen. It's also the only comedy I've paid to see multiple times.

Okay I'm going to take a deep breath so I don't rant on and spoil this movie, but god dammit god dammit god dammit, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, you are a piece of crap. I recall two short years ago when the original Transformers movie came to theaters and I had a complete nerdgasm. I saw the first one five times before it left theaters. I absolutely love that movie. It entertains me to the max. Then I saw the trailer for the second and I had a moment to myself and I was friggin pumped. And then I bought tickets to go see it, and I drove to the theater at a speed of mach three, and I sat down and I watched the most disappointing 2 1/2 hours of movie ever. I wanted to think this was the greatest movie since ever, but it was garbage. The special effects were sweet, and their was one good action scene in the forest, but other than that everything was a joke and almost impossible to watch clinks and clanks. Quick Q&A: Was watching Megan Fox run in slow motion four or five times worth the price of admission even though you had to have your dreams crushed by a trashy sequel to a sweet film? Let me answer your question with a question. What happens to an unstoppable force when it meets with an immovable object?

'Arry Potta! (Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince)Yeah I was excited for the newest film in the seven part series, I brought my own hand crafted want to the theater. This is definitely the most mature and dark of the films so far, as it rightfully should be. The characters are growing up, duh, and the danger of you know who is even more menacing than ever. I read the sixth book about a week before this one (sixth film) came out into theaters. I will say that the movie remains mostly faithful to the books, of course there are things that are going to be excluded and changed around, but it's done right. I've heard others gripes about it, but I like to see each series in it's own respective light, and as a part of the films so far, it's up there in the top. Maybe second to the third. All of the actors are still just right for their respective character and it makes the world and it's now gloomy settings all the more believable. With only two more movies left in the series, it looks like it's in good hands all the way to the finish.

Then there was Public Enemies, it was a little unfortunate that I saw this movie in the condition I was in (exhausted), but it was still a very good film. I'll fess up to missing probably about 15 minutes of the movie when I dozed off into unconsciousness, but I was immediately awoken by some type of loud as thunders punch gun. I was wide eyed for the rest of the film. The acting in this movie shouldn't be doubted in the first place with the line up it's got, but I'll say it anyway, it's all brilliant. As for the story, it might drag at times in it's 2 1/2 hour running time, but it makes up for it with some absolutely vicious gun fights and acting. Overall one of the smartest summer movies I saw.

To what should've been the fun of Transformers 2, we have G.I. Joe. This movie is dumb as rocks fun. The acting goes from horrendous to "okay I'll accept it" and the story goes from..."okay I'll accept it" to "oh that's just ridiculous". I think it would be illegal to release this movie during any other season of the year. You just shut off your mind, go into the theater and you laugh as your brain gets turned into mush as all this loud awesome nonsense happens.

Quick fact, I love the drive inn. I went with the special lady friend just last week to see the man film District 9 followed by the lady film The Ugly Truth. It was the perfect double whammy. I'll review the note so as good of the two first.

The Ugly Truth. Ten bucks you can guess what happens in the end if you just watch the trailer, or just a TV spot for it. Anyway, it was an enjoyable flick. It had a good amount of laughs and dirty language. Yeah holy crap this movie had some dirty talk in it. But it was the usual formulaic chick flick with a little more raunchy humor than most, I liked that.

Then there was District 9, well actually it was the first of the two that played, but damn what a good movie it was. It took the cake as the best of the summer movies this year. I love me some good science fiction nonsense (I'll occasionally watch me some cheesy movie on SyFy), but this movie isn't nonsense. It's a smart fuckin movie with a lot of racial undertones. Now I would've enjoyed it if it just contained the sweetness that was most of the second half of the film, but no, this movie was better than that. It was one of the best god damn science fiction movies I've seen in my life. It also has probably the best completely computer generated characters in film history. I can't say enough about this film, so I wont. I'll just say go see it while it's in theaters because with a lot of the nonsense (no offense I love me some nonsense) in theaters these days, it's good to see a movie that can take all the best parts of nasty action and combine that with the smarts and heart of some of the later fall oscar hungry films.

And finally the most recent film I saw, and the last of the summer before I go back to my glorious classes, Inglorious Basterds. Man was this another kick ass film. It was quintessential Tarantino. It had brutal action, long smart dialouge, tense situations, and an absolutely superb ending. All of the actors in the film are great (and their are a lot of people getting screen time). I couldn't have thought of a better way to end the summer.

So to throw down a quick countdown of best to worst:
1. District 9
2. Star Trek
3. Inglorious Basterds
4. The Hangover
5. Harry Potter 6
6. UP
7. Drag Me To Hell
8. Public Enemies
9. G.I. Joe
10. The Ugly Truth
11. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
12. Transformers 2 (this pains me still)

So their ya have it, my summer movie review. I know there are about 20 others I wanted to see, and I will see them over time (most likely on HBO or Cinemax) but as for now this is it. Hope ya enjoyed.

Holy fuck it's late.

See ya later folks.

And so it begins...

2009-08-28T20:40:00.004-04:00

"As I wait for the apocalypse..." is the title of my blog, to point out the obvious. What exactly I'm going to write about, I have no clue right now. It's currently a friday night, and I'm two days away from starting my sophomore year of college, the things floating around in my head are pretty spontaneous and random (like creating a blog) so each day might hold some sort of surprise, or I'll find a groove with something, who knows. That's basically the point of the title, I'm not hoping the apocalypse is anytime soon (2012), unless it's a zombie apocalypse, then I'm totally game.

I've also got to find a way to get people to come to this damn site, I'll probably start off by whoring it around on facebook, maybe random people will actually stumble upon this, I don't know. I think it will be a pretty cool thing to have some random people find this and get a kick out of the things I write.

I'll figure this all out eventually...

I did manage to make a pretty kick ass head bar thing so I'm pretty pumped about that.

Alright well this seems like a good way to get things started...

See ya later folks.